Polysecure: Attachment, Trauma and Consensual Nonmonogamy

by Jessica Fern

Being and having a secure base in our partnerships means supporting each other’s personal growth and exploration, independent activities and other relationships, even when these actions require time apart from each other. Secure base partners will not only support our explorations, but will also offer guidance when solicited and lovingly call us on our shit. They function as a compassionate mirror for our blind spots and all the ways we may be fooling ourselves, whether through self-aggrandizement or self-limitation.

In simple terms, I see being a safe haven as serving the role of accepting and being with me as I am, and a secure base as supporting me to grow beyond who I am. Examples of things that you and your partners can do to be secure bases for each other: Encourage each other’s personal growth and development. Support each other’s work and/or interests. Listen to each other’s hopes, dreams and visions. Listen when your partners share about their experiences in other relationships (assuming that the information shared is appropriate and consensual). Have conversations about things that are intellectually or emotionally stimulating to each other. Acknowledge each other’s capabilities and possibilities for growth. Compassionately bring light to your partner’s limitations and blind spots. Offer words of encouragement when your partners take on new responsibilities, go on dates with others, take a risk or learn something new.

When attachment ruptures and traumas occur, we can lose access to the parts of ourselves that are able to be a safe haven through self-soothing, self-nurturance, self-compassion and self-acceptance, and to the parts of us that are able to be a secure base through self-encouragement, healthy standards, appropriate boundaries and alignment with our values. While having multiple partners to turn to for a secure base or safe haven is a definite benefit of nonmonogamy, we can’t forget how powerful and important it is to also rely on our self in these ways.

The result is the acronym HEARTS, which I use to encapsulate the different ingredients, skills, capacities and ways of being required for secure functioning in multiple attachment-based partnerships. HHere (being here and present with me) EExpressed Delight AAttunement RRituals and Routines TTurning Towards after Conflict SSecure Attachment with Self

When a parent shows pleasure not just in the things that their child does, but in who their child is, a positive sense of self and healthy self-esteem are fostered in the child. As adults, expressed delight is also needed to promote secure attachment and a healthy sense of self within the relationship. When our partners are able to articulate the ways that we are special and valuable to them, our interpersonal self-worth is supported. When we express the ways that we appreciate and are grateful for our partners, we create a culture of positivity in our relationships that allows mutual vulnerability, authenticity and joy to flourish.

Let your partner know in spoken and/or written word how they enrich your life. Let your partner know in spoken and/or written word how unique and special they are to you. Let your partner know in spoken and/or written word the specific things that you love and appreciate about them. These should be based on who they are versus the things that they do for you.

Flash your partner the eyes! You’d be surprised what just three seconds of the attachment gaze/beam gleam can do to fortify your attachment bond. When in a new relationship with someone, we rarely have to remind ourselves of this because everything in our body is easily oozing that this person is the eighth wonder of the world to us, but bringing this back in our longer-term relationships can support feeling that spark again. Seeing our partners giving the attachment gaze to other people might be painful when we are no longer in new relationship energy with that partner. Try intentionally sending the beam gleam to your partners and you will be pleasantly surprised at what it can do to feed each other’s attachment systems and strengthen your connection.

Listen with your heart. When listening to your partner, put your solution-orientated brain aside for a few minutes. Soften your eyes, bring warmth to your face, open up your heart and listen. Ask questions from genuine curiosity and the desire to truly understand, rather than from preconceived notions about what your partner has already done or what you think they should do. Be careful about asking questions that are really just searching for evidence to either make yourself feel better, to prove them wrong or to expose them as lying in some way. Also, be careful not to interrogate or manipulate through your questions.

Additionally, how partners say goodbye before one of them goes on a date with someone else or how they reunite after having been with other partners can make a big difference in feeling safe and sound with each other. Some people don’t want much pomp and circumstance when saying goodbye, while others need moments of connection with each other before their partner goes off on a date with someone else. If partners live together, they may request that the partner who has been with someone else shower before coming to bed, they may desire emotional or physical contact after being apart or they may prefer to sleep in separate rooms on date nights with others.

What matters is not that we have ruptures, but how we repair them. When there is conflict and disagreement or when attunement and connection have been lost, it is how we repair and find our way back to our partners that builds secure attachment and relational resilience. Conflicts left unrepaired can leave lasting effects on our sense of trust, safety and security.

According to Daniel Siegel, we can make sense of our attachment history by creating a coherent narrative of our past experiences.72 We do this by putting together the story of what we went through as a child and examining how our attachment history impacts our present sense of self and our relationships today. By telling the stories that have been previously unspoken, we allow ourselves to feel what has been unfelt and bring love to what has seemed unlovable. When we are able to describe our painful past experiences and craft them into a narrative that makes sense to us, healing occurs and our brains can literally be rewired for more secure functioning.

Your attachment adaptations are what worked best in the environment that you were embedded in, and it is important to recognize the power and wisdom in the different styles that you constructed. As we give voice to our past, accept and allow our pain and even appreciate the ways we were shaped from this, we are better able to take responsibility for the ways that we still need to grow and show up differently for ourselves and in our relationships. We no longer have to be victims of our past, but can be victorious in the face of it.

Imagine making a mistake and your response to yourself is one of understanding and forgiveness. Imagine looking in the mirror and having thoughts of acceptance and self-compassion. Imagine looking forward to having some solo time because you enjoy time with yourself and are even pleasantly entertained with who you are.

When we delight in our children or our partners, we don’t necessarily see them as perfect. In fact, we usually see them with all their amazing, difficult and quirky qualities and choose to take delight in their fullness, contradictions and all. Can you do this for yourself?

Write yourself a love letter or make a list of all the things you appreciate about yourself. Start a gratitude practice and make sure to include yourself as the object of gratitude.

Needing support does not mean that you are weak, needy or less than. People with this style can carry a lot of toxic shame about needing others or having any needs at all. Can you begin to accept that wanting support or attention from others is alright, even healthy, and not a negative reflection on your abilities, competence or independence? I invite you to allow the fullness of your humanness.

When we actively engage in practices that bring these parts of us to the forefront, we are rewiring ourselves to resonate more easily with a self that is more peaceful, joyful, loving and accepting. If we give fuel to a negative self in the form of constant or obsessive mental reinforcement of that version of ourselves, then we strengthen that construct. But it also stands to reason that the opposite is true. If we live in alignment with our most secure, loving and happy self and practice living through the lens of the qualities about us that are remarkable, then we stabilize that construct until that is who we will eventually become.

If you could design your ideal day or week based on your natural rhythms of sleeping, eating, resting, connecting or having sex, what would that look like? Experiment with adjusting some of your day or week to better accommodate these preferences. Imagine your ideal day or week that includes self-care activities and rituals that support you in secure functioning with yourself. Start to add some of these routines to your daily or weekly activities, even if you start with something as small as five minutes a day.

Check out Dr. Daniel P. Brown’s Ideal Parent Figure exercise, which can support you in rewiring your past and feeling more secure in the present.

When your inner critic arises, try engaging in dialogue with it instead of just believing it. Ask what it wants for you and if it is trying to protect you in any way. You can do this verbally, internally or in writing. Keep engaging with it until you get to a positive intention that it is holding for you. Once you have this positive intention, you can then experiment with translating the inner critic any time it arises again.

No matter how triggered, anxious or out of control you feel, it’s important to know that you can change your arousal system and calm yourself. Mindful deep belly breathing (even for just 60 seconds) is an effective way to decrease heightened arousal and return your body to a state of homeostasis.