Polysecure: Attachment, Trauma and Consensual Nonmonogamy

by Jessica Fern

In simple terms, I see being a safe haven as serving the role of accepting and being with me as I am, and a secure base as supporting me to grow beyond who I am. Examples of things that you and your partners can do to be secure bases for each other: Encourage each other’s personal growth and development. Support each other’s work and/or interests. Listen to each other’s hopes, dreams and visions. Listen when your partners share about their experiences in other relationships (assuming that the information shared is appropriate and consensual). Have conversations about things that are intellectually or emotionally stimulating to each other. Acknowledge each other’s capabilities and possibilities for growth. Compassionately bring light to your partner’s limitations and blind spots. Offer words of encouragement when your partners take on new responsibilities, go on dates with others, take a risk or learn something new.