Polysecure: Attachment, Trauma and Consensual Nonmonogamy

by Jessica Fern

Here are some signs that might indicate that you are relying more on the structure of your relationship for your attachment and security than the emotional experience of your relationship: You theoretically know your partner loves you and is ultimately committed to you, your marriage and/or your family, but you don’t feel personally valued, seen or cherished. You share many forms of structural commitment with your partner, but don’t have emotional or sexual intimacy (and one or both of you is not OK with that). When you ask your spouse or partner for more of their time or affection they get defensive and point out all of the professional, financial or domestic things that they do to show their commitment. You often feel alone in your relationship even though you live together or are around each other a lot. You or your partner defer to gender stereotypes to make the absence of certain forms of emotional or sexual connection more tolerable, such as “that’s just how men are” or “well you know how women can be.” In your relationship, the ideal of the marriage or the greater purpose of the family have become more important than the direct experience of how you treat each other. You’re married or in primary partnership, but feel like you’re always getting the short end of the stick when it comes to your spouse or partner’s time, affection and attention. You know your partner is committed to you, but you don’t know if they actually like and enjoy being with you.