Polysecure: Attachment, Trauma and Consensual Nonmonogamy

by Jessica Fern

are both home together, but it’s not necessarily designated quality time together, or if you and a partner are on an extended trip and it’s not realistic to not talk to other partners for several days. In these situations, I find that it is best to just be transparent about when you need to step away and message or make calls. Do your best not to sneak in messages to others while the partners you are with are in the bathroom or while you’re lying in bed together (unless your partners truly take no offense at this, which some people don’t). With nesting partners, it can be h...

are on your phone throughout the day do not become problematic. When you are with non-nesting partners, clearly let them know when you need a certain amount of time to be on your phone and that you’ll be fully present when you’re back. This can go a long way in preventing tensions and strain.

This woman, Jessica Fern is very, very good! I feel like communicating with her...

Check out the The Five Languages of Apology, by Gary Chapman.

We must fully occupy our bodies, which are the storehouse of our feelings, needs, pains, desires and longings.

Being our own safe haven and secure base requires that we first have the capacity to be with our self. To sit, to listen, to be available to whatever arises within us.

Through embodiment, we can learn how to tolerate the uncomfortable feelings and sensations that might be necessary to move through in order to heal.

This is a tough one for me.

We can

also learn to allow positive sensations and feelings that might have b...

In general, how comfortable or uncomfortable do you feel being alone with yourself?

I feel perhaps too comfortable being alone with myself. This is contrary to what I said about tolerating uncomfortable feelings. Seems that all my feelings are a mix of love and despair. So much solitude, and little community, very little community!

What does being more embodied mean to you? How would that look?

I have no or very little idea what embodiment means.

If you were more present and embodied, what possibilities in your life or relationship could open up?

I have no idea. I have no relationships. There is no sharing of love in my life. This throws me in sadness. I do not want to feel sorry for myself.

Things to Try and to Experiment With

Singing or chanting when you’re by yourself without worrying about how you sound.

I love how I feel from chanting. I have no concern that my voice is less than stellar.

E: Expressed Delight for Myself When applying the attachment need of expressed delight to

yourself, we are talking about an inner sense of joy, appreciation and pleasure in your own being and existence. As children, it is through mirroring, reflection and the expressed delight from our attachment figures that we are able to develop a positive sense of self and learn what we are capable of. As adults, we still need this and will typically get this through our closest relationships. When another is able to mirror us and take delight in who we are, we can get to know ourselves even more than we did before. But as adults, our positive sense of self cannot be sole...

of worth and healthy appreciation for who and how we are that is sust...

What I do not understand is how is it that I am so alone? I am really alone. I only talk to others at work. Before and after there is just me. With all my wonderful feelings I have been experiencing this past few months, I have not connected with anyone. When I say anyone, I am referring to a woman or women, girls. I just don't get it.

Imagine making a mistake and your response to yourself is one of understanding and forgiveness. Imagine looking in the mirror and having thoughts of acceptance and self-compassion. Imagine looking forward to having some solo time because you enjoy time ...

yourself. I am talking about the importance of positive self-talk and being kind and loving to yourself in ways that you would probably treat a friend, but so frequently forget when it comes to your relationship with yourself.

I have nobody to communicate/share love with.

Positive self-talk is not about placating yourself, trying to falsely boost your ego or being self-delusional. It is about having an inner dialogue that is forgiving, understanding, flexible and

holds a larger, often more realistic, perspective than the negative, defeated or abusive self-talk that we often tolerate as the inner status quo.

When we delight in our children or our partners, we don’t necessarily see them as perfect. In fact, we usually see them with all their amazing, difficult and quirky qualities and choose to take delight in their fullness, contradictions and all. Can you do this for yourself?

I am beginning to see myself as wonderful with all my character traits. My wrinkles add to my beauty. My errant ways have elicited my capacity to explore the depth of myself. I only wish I could share myself with someone, a beautiful, smart, loving woman.

It is difficult to embody self-worth when we have parts of ourselves that incessantly beat us up for what we’ve done, what we haven’t done, or how we look.

Shame researcher Brené Brown makes the important distinction between guilt and shame, with guilt being the perspective that I’ve done something wrong, which can be helpful and motivating, and shame the perspective that I am wrong, which can be debilitating and paralyzing.

When we inquire into the motivation of the inner critic, it is usually a part of us that wants to protect us, keep us safe or have us be successful, but its methods are actually self-harming and counterproductive to its protective intention.

Both the inner critic and shame can sabotage our relationships, because when we are living from these parts we are usually unable to relate authentically or take responsibility for our actions.