Polysecure: Attachment, Trauma and Consensual Nonmonogamy

by Jessica Fern

Do you need to focus more on softening the rigidity of your boundaries and allowing more connection,

I am a tough nut to crack. Usually when I quickly discern someone is less intelligent, has poor taste in the arts, or lacking in some other aspect I find critical to demonstrate worth, then I am unapproachable or downright nasty/sarcastic. I am well-practiced at pushing people away, so much so that it is an automatic habit that occurs even before I make the "make it or break it" judgment. Think of that cute red haired girl who wanted to talk to you, and you gave her your card instead for her to contact you. You never saw her again. Happy about this, Steve???

Thomas Hübl is the cofounder of the The Pocket Project, a nonprofit organization dedicated to the healing of collective trauma. He posits that we currently exist in a traumatized collective and the main symptom of being in a traumatized world is that we feel separate from each other, from the world, from spirit and from the natural world as a whole.39

These symptoms are not just present in the collective or even individual psyches, but can become evident through actual changes in our genetic expression. Unresolved trauma from previous generations can alter the expression of DNA, making subsequent generations more susceptible to

certain health issues, increased anxiety, PTSD and wariness to danger. This means that certain mental health or physical symptoms that you are experiencing today at the self level may have actually been inherited from collective traumas that your ancestors went through generations ago.

Wow

When ruptures occur at one level, we can focus our healing on that specific level, but we must also utilize the repair and respite that the other levels have to offer us—whether through self-compassion, a warm embrace from a loved one, a home where we can relax, being acknowledged and accepted within a community, receiving legal rights or benefits that were previously denied, or a quiet walk in nature to restore our inner equilibrium.

CONSENSUAL NONMONOGAMY

The emergence of stepfamilies, blended families, sperm and egg donor families, single-parent families and surrogate families have expanded our acceptance of what a family can look like.

an estimated 30 to 60 percent of married men and 20 to 50 percent of married women in the United States admit to cheating on their partners.

Distinct from cheating, where sexual or romantic relations with more than one person are deceitful,

Significant...

consensual nonmonogamy is an umbrella term for the practice of simultaneously having multiple sexual or romantic partners where everyone involved is aware of and consents to the relationship structure. People practicing CNM value transparency, consent, open and honest communication, personal responsibility, autonomy, compassion, sex positivity and freedom for themselves and others. Moreover, people practicing CNM typically embrace the following ideas and principles: love is not possessive or a finite resource; it is normal to be attracted to more than one person at the same time; there are multiple ways to practice love, sexual and intimate relationships; and jealousy is not something to be avoided or feared, but something that can be informative and worked

l so strongly agree with this...

through. Mystic Life, author of Spiritual Polyamory, states, “This path requires owning jealousy as it arises, accepting others as they are, developing [one’s] own sense of personal wholeness, and letting go of the belief that loving someone more means loving someone else less.”

This requires so much work, but it is so worth it!

despite what people might presume, CNM relationships have also been found to have greater levels of trust and lower levels of jealousy than monogamous ones.47

Let's see if reading through this book continues to bolster my desire to engage in such a relationship.

the people who articulate their deeper purpose—that is, their why for being nonmonogamous—are then better able to navigate the ups and downs that lie ahead.

Knowing why you want to practice nonmonogamy and how that might be similar to or different from your partners’ reasons can better inform exactly what your version of nonmonogamy looks like together, including the agreements you make with different partners, and how you go about enacting CNM for yourself.

The author makes so much sense here.

However, people in CNM relationships additionally expressed having the distinct relationship benefits of increased need fulfillment, variety of nonsexual activities and personal growth. Instead of expecting one partner to meet all of their needs, people engaged in CNM felt that a major advantage of being nonmonogamous was the ability to have their different needs met by more than one person, as well as being able to experience a variety of nonsexual activities that one relationship may not fulfill.

For years I have been saying the world is too complex, and my mind and heart of reflective of this, to be in a relationship with one partner. There are limitations as to what activities you would engage in, what cultural/intellectual envdeavprs you could engage in, and the same would be for the solo partner. This thought applies to this entire paragraph!!!

They declare that they seek to have greater need fulfillment, want greater expression of themselves through the experiences and activities that will

come from having multiple partners and say that they are interested in the personal growth and development that nonmonogamy inevitably catalyzes. Many people want to give and receive the additional love and support that come with having multiple partners. In addition to these reasons, I also see people consistently offer three other reasons for being nonmonogamous: sexual diversity, philosophical views and because CNM is a more authentic expression of who they are.

Yes

Some people find themselves in one of these situations and conclude that there is no

reason to dismantle their entire life and give up their meaningful relationship because they want or need different things than their partner in the bedroom.

Very true

many people come into their nonmonogamy orientation a bit later, often after having suffered from the belief that they are broken or defective in some way after struggling to be faithful to their partners or feeling that monogamy was never fully right for them.

The Different Types of Consensual Nonmonogamy

procure secure attachment from their relational experiences instead of their relationship structures. Allow your direct experience with a partner to be the vehicle to secure attachment instead of having certain relationship concepts, narratives or structures be the vehicle.

Just as children do not only bond with one attachment figure, adults do and can have multiple securely attached relationships.

while they still do experience jealousy or envy, they are also able to support each other in the process. Jealousy becomes an opportunity for increased clarity and connection and it doesn’t take them or their relationships down.

often the reality of nonmonogamy is too complicated, painful, dramatic, confusing and even traumatizing. These people transition to nonmonogamy and feel more polyinsecure than polysecure.

It is not uncommon for me to hear people say that they theoretically want to be poly, but emotionally they don’t know if they can do it because they feel like they are losing their mind.

Wow

People struggling with a transition from monogamy to CNM may also find themselves without practical support from their friends, family and community.

I have heard such couples receive advice that sounds something like, “Well, if you’re struggling more in your relationship or with yourself now that you’re polyamorous,

you should just go back to being monogamous and everything will be OK again.”

How lame. Fire that therapist!

when it comes to CNM, our well-intentioned friends, family and even helping professionals do not necessarily know better and they can be quick to point the finger at CNM as the problem. This mindset is often fueled by the fear that if a couple opens up their relationship, it is inevitable that they will then break up or get divorced.

relationships do not end because CNM was the problem or the cause of relationship struggles, but because of the experience of a major relationship paradigm shift that can create so much tumult.

Even when people identify as nonmonogamous as orientation and the transition might feel like a homecoming, there can still be deep-seated internalized polyphobia to work through.

If you do find yourself in this paradigm shift, be aware that this is possible, Not a bad thing, but an organic process.

When you’ve shared years or even decades with someone in a monogamous identity together, this can be a particularly arduous transformation process and not every couple

survives it. The paradigm shift can expose all of the underground issues that a relationship already had brewing and that would have eventually ended the relationship anyway.

I also see couples who definitely want to stay together but since they have little to no support in navigating the paradigm shift, they wind up losing each other, drowning in the process.

but I’ve seen people come to my office struggling with agreements that have been broken, communication that isn’t working or jealousy that seems immutable. Within several sessions we usually find that these are not the main issues but actually symptoms of other, deeper challenges that are arising from the change to CNM.

When we experience our partners as being here with us, it results in the positive beliefs that our partners care about us, we matter to them and we are worthy of their love and attention.

I don't think I have ever experienced this from the other.I never did any of this right. No wonder I have been alone or felt alone all my life.

Conversely, when our partners are unavailable, unresponsive or mentally elsewhere, attachment

insecurity can arise, feeding the fears and doubts that we are not va...

I did this to Kim

are you thinking about other things, only partially listening or mentally preparing for what you want to say next?

Attachment is an embodied experience, and it is first through being present with ourselves in our own bodies and present with our loved ones that the rest of the attachment-based skills and capacities of the HEART of being polysecure can be developed and expressed.

Being present is not just putting your phone down for a few minutes. It is a way of being, from interaction to interaction, where you consciously inhabit your own body and

show up with the best of your attention, offering your presence as a gift.

Questions to ...

Maybe one day I will be in a partnered situation, and can ask myself these pertinent questions. Even with one partner, this would be significant. Truth? I am saddened. I ask when? When will there be one other in my life, let alone more than one? I am torn between being optimistic, which may involve being unrealistic, and being doubtful. There may never be someone to whom I can say I am in love with you.

Do you trust that your partners will be available and responsive if and when you need them? Are there things that your partners could do that would enhance your sense that they are here with you when you are together and here for you in general?

In order to be truly present with one another, we need to experience and have access to an inner state that is different from our ordinary state of consciousness. To do this, it is important to learn practices that cultivate a state of presence so that you can bring this to the people you are with.

Prioritize regular time with your partners when you are both fully here and present with each other. This is especially important when you only get limited time together, but it is just as important when you live together and spend a lot of time in each other’s company, but are not actually connecting without the distractions of kids, house, work, pets, meals, etc.

Whether with many partners or one...

Put your phone down, take your smartwatch off. If you are on a date with a partner, put your electronic devices away. With the exceptions of legitimate situations that need urgent and immediate attention, do your best to take care of any messaging, logistics or calls with other partners before or after your date. If you have partners who can’t handle not being in contact with you for a period of time, professional support might be needed to work through attachment insecurities or patterns of codependency. Even though attachment-based relationships do require regular maintenance, when we are functioning from secure attachment

with our partners we will be flexible, gracious, tolerant and even appre...

There will be times when having your phone away is not realistic. For example, if you nes...