More on this book
Community
Kindle Notes & Highlights
because the world itself is too much.
secure. In relationships, HSPs are often unclear as to whether what they are feeling has its origin in themselves or if their partner’s feelings are creating that “one foot on the gas, one foot on the brake” experience in their nervous system.
being close can be a sensory assault that is confusing or that dysregulates them for days.
Similarly, I see people with certain illnesses who also suffer with a disorganized attachment, not because of their parental experiences, but because of the world and the body they find themselves in. Imagine what it’s like to eat a certain food that may be innocuous for most people, but can spiral you into debilitating physical and mental symptoms for days. Or imagine what it would be like to be invited to a friend’s house for their birthday, which should be celebratory, but is actually terrifying to you because you don’t know if you are going to be exposed to mold that can set off
...more
In my work or because of my work and how I am so attuned to it, I have witnessed many such emotionally debilitating experiences from others.
In such cases, the world itself isn’t safe and our bodies are not safe in the world.
When in conflict, I can vacillate from being overwhelmed or aggressive to being dismissive and numb.
I do not deal well with conflict.
Insecure attachment can take the form of overly pulling into ourselves to avoid and withdraw,
Me
These insecure attachment styles are secondary survival strategies that make sense based on what we went through as a child and will continue to impact how we attach and bond in our adult romantic relationships. Here I invite you to reflect on your own personal attachment history, what style or styles you experienced with your different attachment figures and
how this relates to the attachment behaviors you have exhibited in your adult romantic relationships.
Highly significant. Maybe, just maybe I can heal and have healthy, loving relationships!!!
both the fearful and the dismissive attachment styles share a higher level of emotional avoidance.
Me
Attachment avoidance is the dimension that relates to how comfortable or uncomfortable a person feels when it comes to being close, intimate or reliant on a partner.
low attachment avoidance refers to being more comfortable with intimacy, closeness and reliance on a partner and being more likely to approach and engage with a partner.
I never asked her for help or to express my needs
Dismissive attachment happens when a person’s anxiety is low, but their avoidance is high.
Someone lower in attachment anxiety will approach a partner from a more secure stance, moving towards them with a sense of openness, flexibility and interdependence, whereas someone who is higher in anxiety is more likely to seek proximity to their partner in order to grasp at or control them,
Sounds like Kim exhibited high attachment anxiety with the controlling issues
Someone who is high in avoidant behaviors but low in attachment anxiety might experience minimal internal conflict when there is increased distance from a partner—this person may not even recognize their own high avoidance.
Me
for someone who is more dismissive and higher in attachment avoidance, low anxiety is probably related to the repressing or evading of anxious feelings rather than not having them.
Might be me
With this model, people seem better able to reflect on how and why these dimensions play out (often differently) in their relationships.
I agree
Another way to conceive of the attachment dimensions is not through their “dysfunctions,” but through their strengths and desires.
From this perspective, the dismissive style, which uses minimizing and dismissing strategies to dampen and cope with attachment distress, can also be seen as the strategy of someone who, when in less reactivity, is more aligned with their needs for autonomy and agency. In its healthier expression, people with a higher draw to autonomy can exhibit more highly developed abilities for self-sufficiency and competence in tending to the needs of the practical, logistical and material aspects of the world. They have the ability to compartmentalize emotions, which can be a very handy skill in certain
...more
When these needs move too far outside of their healthy expressions, agency and autonomy can transform into feeling alienation and isolation, becoming
Alienated and isolated, without connection. Too much solitude with no capacity to resolve it.
emotionally unreachable, or refusing or even denying the need for connection or help from others. A person’s boundaries can get too rigid, and they may shut others out and shut themselves too far in. When this happens, the values of autonomy and agency distort into more of a reactive strategy than a skillful expression of a person’s needs.
Solitude helps but also keeps out the challenge and uncertainty of community.
Isolation
self-alienation
to be in communion with others without losing our sense of self.
dive deep into intimacy and connection without the concern of engulfment.
Yes
The dismissive attachment style results from parents who discourage their child’s proximity-seeking attachment behaviors,
Is it possible that having stayed in bed, pregnant with me for months so as not to "lose the baby", my mother had had enough of needy attachment. I never sensed or experienced close, comforting attachments, like hugs from her, or from anyone in my family.
Being open and responsive to the full spectrum of our attachment needs is important for embodying the fullness of our emotional capacities as adults.
The closer that the pursuer comes, the more the distancer pulls back, which then provokes the pursuer to move in even more. The pursuer never catches up, while the distancer never fully gets the breathing room they need. The pursuer fears that they will be abandoned, while the distancer fears being engulfed.
This is where communication, open and honest would be so helpful.
The pursuer, in turn, has projected outward the parts of their self that crave autonomy and independence and that are actually afraid of truly being vulnerable, being seen and being close.
They are both trying to achieve wholeness, which is what keeps them dancing, but it’s the dance itself that prevents them from taking responsibility for the parts of themselves they have disowned; they instead blame their partners for enacting these elements of themselves.
To best respond to whatever arises in front of us day by day or even moment by moment, we sometimes need to tighten up on the reins of autonomy, while loosening the reins of connection.
This woman is very, very good. I never thought that being curious about polyamory, even a bit afraid of it, and so turning to read the sample of this book, would lead me to an excellent look into my emotional life from my upbringing through this very moment. I love and trust where whatever or whomever is taking me, is leading me pushing me pulling me in the most loving, healthy direction!!!
In her book Mating in Captivity, Esther Perel warns us how too much closeness can collapse into fusion and that too much distance impedes connection. She advises that we need both separateness and connection for intimacy and eroticism,
Boundaries and the Giving and Receiving of Love
Our boundaries guide us in navigating our relationships and they are directly related to the ways in which we are able to give and receive love.
I need help with this. I intervene where I am not invited, and allow others to step all over me, without being able to say that is not okay behavior.
If connection and love from our caretakers was absent, inconsistent or dangerous, we may want love from others, but then have difficulty fully letting it in.
We may not even know that what is being expressed is love.
Giving love can be just as vulnerable as receiving it because when we give, we are taking the risk of revealing our hearts. We’re declaring our desire to be close to someone and we are potentially exposing our limitations in the process.
Limitations. That is a big one for me. Can I give you what you need without draining everything I have inside?
In the book Loving Bravely, Alexandra H. Solomon defines healthy boundaries as the balancing point where you are able to both connect to another as well as be separate from another, maintaining your own energy and sense of self while your partner maintains the energy that is theirs.
i give until there is nothing left of me. Then, I have to leave or be forced to leave.
we need to have connection and protection in concert with each other to maintain healthy boundaries.
Over-receiving:
We lose our sense of self.
Over-g...
This highlight has been truncated due to consecutive passage length restrictions.
When our boundaries are porous from the outside in, we are being too wide open. We let other people’s thoughts, opinions, preferences and judgments eclipse our own inclinations, wisdom or better knowledge.
meddling too much in their business.
We are intruding when we give unsought advice or tell people what they should or shouldn’t do in the name of helping them.
the help we’re offering was eithe...
This highlight has been truncated due to consecutive passage length restrictions.
people please
This is all so me...
Rigid Boundaries
Rigid boundaries are a sign that we are overfocused on protection without allowing sufficient connection. When our boundaries are rigid on the input, we are blocking and when they are too rigid on the output we are restraining. When our boundaries are rigid from the inside out we are obstructing input from others, whether that is their love, attention, feedback or requests. When blocking, we are guarding what comes in and disallowing the influence of others, usually from fear of being hurt or attacked. When blocking, we can come off as prickly, abrupt, edgy, defensive, frozen or withdrawn.
...more
Me. All me. All of it...
Questions to Consider How do you find yourself over-giving in relationships? What beliefs about yourself play into this? What beliefs about others play into this? How do you find yourself under-giving in relationships? What beliefs about yourself play into this? What beliefs about others play into this? In what ways do you find yourself over-receiving or over-taking in relationships? What beliefs about yourself or about others play into this?
I have said all this on previous pages here...
In what ways do you find yourself under-receiving in relationships? What beliefs about yourself or about others play into this? In what ways do you experience your boundaries as porous, whether by being absorbing, being intrusive or both? In what ways do you experience your boundaries as rigid, whether by blocking, restraining or both? Do you need to focus more on tightening up your boundaries and protection of yourself, whether on the input or output? How can you do this?
Worth looking at again...
