Polysecure: Attachment, Trauma and Consensual Nonmonogamy

by Jessica Fern

Early positive attachment experiences have a huge impact on healthy brain development and emotional regulation.7 When the attachment figure is able to emotionally resonate with the child, the child feels supported and learns to regulate their own positive and negative emotional arousal. This helps to lower stress hormones and increase oxytocin (the bonding hormone). By co-regulating with a caretaker, the child learns to understand and process facial and social cues, they learn empathy and they develop an increased ability to cope with stress. When children experience secure interactions with the adults in their lives and function from a secure attachment style, they also tend to have better self-esteem, be more resilient to trauma, have strong social skills, concentrate better, enjoy play and have solid overall emotional health. Through these nourishing experiences, a child develops a sense of safety and trust. They take in the messages that the world is a friendly place and that they can ask for what they want because the people in their lives care and are willing to help.

This is so foreign to my experience. My mother was not even aware of my grandmother's behavior toward me. Somehow, I felt that the authority figure, in most cases grandmother, knew better than me, and so I thought she was right and I was wrong, so I said nothing to mom...