Polysecure: Attachment, Trauma and Consensual Nonmonogamy

by Jessica Fern

When crafting the stories of your insecurely attached past, it is important not only to be able to describe and allow the feelings associated with what you’ve gone through, but to also develop an appreciation for the attachment survival adaptations that you took on. Our attachment styles are a result of our response to how available connection was to us. When connection is unavailable, inconsistent, intrusive, dangerous or out of reach, the attachment system will either start to hyperactivate or deactivate as a survival strategy. Your attachment adaptations are what worked best in the environment that you were embedded in, and it is important to recognize the power and wisdom in the different styles that you constructed. As we give voice to our past, accept and allow our pain and even appreciate the ways we were shaped from this, we are better able to take responsibility for the ways that we still need to grow and show up differently for ourselves and in our relationships. We no longer have to be victims of our past, but can be victorious in the face of it.