Polysecure: Attachment, Trauma and Consensual Nonmonogamy

by Jessica Fern

Things to Try and to Experiment With Listen with your heart. When listening to your partner, put your solution-orientated brain aside for a few minutes. Soften your eyes, bring warmth to your face, open up your heart and listen. Ask questions from genuine curiosity and the desire to truly understand, rather than from preconceived notions about what your partner has already done or what you think they should do. Be careful about asking questions that are really just searching for evidence to either make yourself feel better, to prove them wrong or to expose them as lying in some way. Also, be careful not to interrogate or manipulate through your questions. Make an effort to track something that your partner is going through. For example, if you know they went to an event or have an aunt in the hospital, follow up by asking them how the event was or how their aunt is doing. Genuinely ask your partner about how they are doing, whether in general or about something specific. Use open-ended questions that encourage them to share any feelings or needs they have surrounding the situation, what their experience has been, what it means to them and how they have been impacted by it. Bring your bodies into attunement. Sex can be a great way to do this, especially if you take turns just focusing on what one partner likes and wants. You can also explore techniques and exercises such as sitting or spooning and breathing together, bringing your bodies and breath into harmony in nonsexual...