Polysecure: Attachment, Trauma and Consensual Nonmonogamy

by Jessica Fern

Attunement is at the heart of secure attachment. In its absence, attachment security ceases to be possible. When there are early childhood attachment ruptures, requisite developments in a person’s ability to tune into themself and regulate their inner states can become hindered. When our childhood needs are not met from the outside and our attachment figures are unable to help us learn how to identify and label our inner experiences in order to make sense of them and soothe ourselves, as adults we can then struggle with knowing how to feel our own feelings, identify our own needs, and calm down our own body, mind and heart in the way a nurturing caretaker would have. We can also run into considerable relational difficulty when we continue to have an “outside-in” approach to getting our needs met, expecting that our partners act as a substitute for our own inner nurturer. When we are able to tune in and tend to our needs from the inside first, we may still seek outward support, comfort and guidance from our partners, but our fundamental well-being and sense of being OK are not dependent on it.