Polysecure: Attachment, Trauma and Consensual Nonmonogamy

by Jessica Fern

The antecedent to being polysecure with your partners is first getting clear about whether you want to be attachment figures for each other. Our attachment-based relationships take time and investment, and so when referring to attachment-based partners I am referring to a choice that we are making to intentionally cultivate and tend to the attachment-based needs within a particular relationship. Often, falling in love with someone or feeling attached to them does not feel like a choice we make, hence why we call it falling in love instead of stepping into love. Our attachment figures might be the people we feel levels of connection, compatibility or intensity with right from the start for reasons that we just can’t explain, or they may be the people with whom our romantic attachments have organically grown in potency and depth over time. However you come to be with the partners that you already feel attached to or want to cultivate being more polysecure with, what is important is that at some point you are all clear that being attachment-based partners is what you want for the relationship.