Polysecure: Attachment, Trauma and Consensual Nonmonogamy

by Jessica Fern

When applied to the self, attunement is our ability to turn inward in order to become receptive and aware of our interior world. Self-attunement is the inner inquiry into what you are feeling, needing, thinking and experiencing. Self-attunement facilitates self-knowing, which furthers our ability to self-regulate and soothe our own physiological and emotional states, as well as respond appropriately to our environment.

There can be a healing effect of being with discomfort, of contacting pain or pleasure without collapsing or disconnecting, that can allow people to access their own inner safe haven and secure base.

Creating more distinct, but not rigid, boundaries is important for learning how to stay in your own skin while being connected to others, rather than leaving yourself behind to be with others. Also, be aware of not letting other people occupy more of your internal space than you are.

Work on being able to receive love. Even though someone with a preoccupied attachment style is more likely to complain that they are not getting enough love or attention, when it is given, they often struggle with how to really let it in and receive it.

How we treat ourselves when we have made a mistake, when there is an internal battle between different parts of ourselves or when we have fallen short of our own standards, ethics or expectations, is imperative in building a strong inner secure foundation.

Left unchecked, our inner critic can further feed cycles of attachment anxiety and avoidance that can be destructive and paralyzing.

Initially, doing the work of translating our inner critic takes diligence. The inner critic is usually a persistent old habit that is well-established in the neural networks of our brains, so expecting change overnight is not realistic.

I’ve come to see trigger management as a basic life skill that we all need for the health and success of any relationship—whether with a family member, friend, co-worker, parent or romantic partner.

When your inner critic arises, try engaging in dialogue with it instead of just believing it. Ask what it wants for you and if it is trying to protect you in any way.

Some of us need to take a pause on dating and turn inward to heal, deconstruct and rebuild ourselves. This can allow us to bring forward a more fortified and healthy self that is able to relate in secure ways with others.