Polysecure: Attachment, Trauma and Consensual Nonmonogamy

by Jessica Fern

For some people, monogamy can serve as a stand-in for actual secure attachment. Since the rules and structure of monogamy are so well-known and so strongly reinforced, many times all you have to do is fall back on the structure of monogamy itself to create a sense of safety in a relationship.

Monogamy can also buffer us from our own personal insecurities. These may or may not be attachment-based, but can be rooted in relational and cultural traumas or anxieties about our achievements, looks, intellectual abilities, likability, etc.

As a couple opens up from a monogamous relationship, they usually perceive themselves as having been healthy and secure together. But, as the structure of monogamy is lifted, issues in the relationship that the couple didn’t have to face before can appear, or issues that were ignored or tolerated can no longer be ignored or tolerated in the new structure of nonmonogamy.

The person experiencing an increase in their number of partners or a deepening in a specific relationship may not intend to give less to their other partners (often they think they can manage all their relationships to a high degree), but due to the limits of how many hours there are in a day, how many date nights there are in a week or how many people you can text with at once, splitting time among more and more people can create insecure conditions for their other partners.

The partners who are receiving less time and attention will usually begin to feel uneasy, anxious or angry, and they will begin to protest. As they begin to voice their dissatisfaction that their partner is being less available, present or connected than the partner used to be, they may be told they are too jealous or needy. But their protest can actually be a healthy sign of their attachment system detecting too much disconnection and therefore acting up in order to course-correct. It’s the body’s inner guidance system indicating that important needs are going unmet.

I’ve yet to meet someone who is openly nonmonogamous who has not experienced some form of judgment, criticism, rejection, discrimination or othering because of their lifestyle or orientation.

Deconstructing monogamy, whether you identify as nonmonogamous by orientation or as a lifestyle choice, is not an easy undoing process for everyone. As people recognize the ways that mono-romantic beliefs have been internalized into their psyche, as well as how these ideas have influenced their actions and choices, regret and shame can arise.

You and your partner transitioning together to CNM, which you are happy about, but experiencing a real loss of the old relationship that the two of you had together. Even though you might still be together, the relationship has changed, and it’s common to have grief about the past relationship with your partner that is no longer, as well as grief and loss about the monogamous future you had envisioned with them.

One of your partners enters into a new relationship with someone and they get more attention, time, access or social recognition than you do.

Your spouse or primary partner has switched to non-hierarchical polyamory or relationship anarchy, but you still want to be primary partners so you lose the primacy in your relationship that you want.

Losing your polycule or nonmonogamous community because of drama or a breakup.

No longer seeing yourself in popular culture via songs, commercials, movies, television, news, etc.

Nonmonogamy can be a pressure cooker for growth.

However you come to be with the partners that you already feel attached to or want to cultivate being more polysecure with, what is important is that at some point you are all clear that being attachment-based partners is what you want for the relationship.

For us to feel safe and secure in our relationships, we need to know that our partners want to be there for us and will be to the best of their ability, and so some level of commitment to being in a relationship together is important.

research consistently shows that people who have safe haven relationships in their life, whether through romantic partnership or through their family, are more resilient in the face of life stressors and trauma.

A secure base provides the platform from which we can move out in the larger world, explore and take risks. This exploration facilitates our sense of personal competence and healthy autonomy.

Being and having a secure base in our partnerships means supporting each other’s personal growth and exploration, independent activities and other relationships, even when these actions require time apart from each other. Secure base partners will not only support our explorations, but will also offer guidance when solicited and lovingly call us on our shit.

In simple terms, I see being a safe haven as serving the role of accepting and being with me as I am, and a secure base as supporting me to grow beyond who I am.

A benefit of nonmonogamy is that you don’t have to provide or expect to receive all of this from one partner. Different partners can be more of a safe haven, a secure base or both, offering different facets of each.

While having multiple partners to turn to for a secure base or safe haven is a definite benefit of nonmonogamy, we can’t forget how powerful and important it is to also rely on our self in these ways.

HHere (being here and present with me) EExpressed Delight AAttunement RRituals and Routines TTurning Towards after Conflict SSecure Attachment with Self

We need to know that our attachment figures are available to us, that they are within arm’s reach (literally and virtually) and that they will be available and responsive when we call for them.

Physical proximity is extremely important and necessary for attachment, but it is not sufficient if the quality of presence is poor.

Being present is not just putting your phone down for a few minutes. It is a way of being, from interaction to interaction, where you consciously inhabit your own body and show up with the best of your attention, offering your presence as a gift.

Prioritize regular time with your partners when you are both fully here and present with each other.

Even though attachment-based relationships do require regular maintenance, when we are functioning from secure attachment with our partners we will be flexible, gracious, tolerant and even appreciative of time apart.

When our partners are able to articulate the ways that we are special and valuable to them, our interpersonal self-worth is supported. When we express the ways that we appreciate and are grateful for our partners, we create a culture of positivity in our relationships that allows mutual vulnerability, authenticity and joy to flourish.

Even when people don’t want to be, the hangover of monogamous thinking often leaves people feeling competitive with their metamours and/or doubtful as to why their partners would want to be with them if they don’t have the specific qualities, circumstances, sexual interests or physical attributes that other partners have.

There is nothing wrong with needing to hear why you are wanted and valued by your partners and it is important for you to be able to communicate to your partners why they specifically matter to you.

Attuning to a partner does not mean that you have to agree with them and take on their experience as your own, but it does mean that you are willing to join them in their internal emotional world and their inner state of mind in order to empathize with what they are going through.

Attunement is meeting your partner with curiosity, wanting to understand their feelings and needs. It is the feeling of being seen, understood and “gotten” by the other.

Listen with your heart. When listening to your partner, put your solution-orientated brain aside for a few minutes. Soften your eyes, bring warmth to your face, open up your heart and listen.

it is just as important in our nonmonogamous relationships to find the special things, big and small, that we do with our partners. The routines that we can rely on and look forward to are an important part of secure functioning in our CNM attachment-based relationships.

It is also important to create rituals and routines that honor the transitional moments when you and your partners are parting or reuniting. Our attachment systems are very sensitive to comings and goings. Abrupt departures and sudden arrivals can all be jarring to the nervous system, and hellos or goodbyes left unacknowledged can be disconnective.

While having routines is definitely important in our attachment-based relationships, having times where we also break out of our routines can be just as significant. We can easily fall into default patterns and ruts in our relationships. Remembering the importance of stepping out of our day-to-day cycles, focusing on some novelty, play and adventure can revivify and strengthen our connections with partners.

What matters is not that we have ruptures, but how we repair them. When there is conflict and disagreement or when attunement and connection have been lost, it is how we repair and find our way back to our partners that builds secure attachment and relational resilience.

you can have all the communication techniques and conflict resolution skills in the world, but they do nothing if you still have an attitude of wanting to either be right or prove your partner wrong.

Relationships that are regularly distant or disrespectful have much less success with their repair attempts, no matter how beautiful the attempt is.

While I will not diminish the power that secure relationships with others have to heal our past and to bring alive our own secure ways, the establishment of a secure relationship with our self is needed to fully embody healthy attachment with others,

Even in the most remarkably secure relationships, being together forever is not a given.

Knowing how to stand securely on your own two feet and how to be your own safe haven and secure base is fundamental to building your internal secure attachment.

In polyamory, we need the internal security of being anchored in our inner strength and inner nurturer to navigate a relationship structure that is considerably less secure.

Secure attachment with yourself means being aware of your feelings and desires, as well as being able to tend to your own needs and knowing how to advocate for them in relationships.

By telling the stories that have been previously unspoken, we allow ourselves to feel what has been unfelt and bring love to what has seemed unlovable. When we are able to describe our painful past experiences and craft them into a narrative that makes sense to us, healing occurs and our brains can literally be rewired for more secure functioning.

As we give voice to our past, accept and allow our pain and even appreciate the ways we were shaped from this, we are better able to take responsibility for the ways that we still need to grow and show up differently for ourselves and in our relationships.

When applying the attachment need of expressed delight to yourself, we are talking about an inner sense of joy, appreciation and pleasure in your own being and existence.

Even a small shift in the way you talk to yourself has significant physical and mental health benefits and can influence your ability to regulate your feelings, thoughts, and behavior under stress.

Positive self-talk is not about placating yourself, trying to falsely boost your ego or being self-delusional. It is about having an inner dialogue that is forgiving, understanding, flexible and holds a larger, often more realistic, perspective than the negative, defeated or abusive self-talk that we often tolerate as the inner status quo.

When we are able to tune in and tend to our needs from the inside first, we may still seek outward support, comfort and guidance from our partners, but our fundamental well-being and sense of being OK are not dependent on it.