Polysecure: Attachment, Trauma and Consensual Nonmonogamy

by Jessica Fern

The insecure attachment styles are not just survival strategies that kick into gear in response to attachment rupture or relationship distress. At their root, they can also be expressions of the essential human desires for autonomy and connection.

We need to find ways to feel sovereign without losing our connection to others, and to be in communion with others without losing our sense of self.

The pursuer never catches up, while the distancer never fully gets the breathing room they need. The pursuer fears that they will be abandoned, while the distancer fears being engulfed.

If connection and love from our caretakers was absent, inconsistent or dangerous, we may want love from others, but then have difficulty fully letting it in. We can struggle to believe that it is safe and real, that it doesn’t have strings attached, and that it’s here to stay (or at least that it won’t immediately leave).