Polysecure: Attachment, Trauma and Consensual Nonmonogamy

by Jessica Fern

Our boundaries are the meeting point between ourselves and another—the point at which we can be both separate and connected.

When our experience with a partner is the route to secure attachment, we might still want certain relationship structures, benchmarks and milestone experiences, but the urgency at which we define, solidify or need to nail things down can relax and occur more organically.

I’ve seen that once people get clear with each other about whether or not they are pursuing an attachment-based relationship, each person can better orient to what the relationship is, what it isn’t, what’s available and what’s not available, enabling people to better accept and appreciate the relationship for what it is without having to let it go.

Nonmonogamy can be a pressure cooker for growth.

When people are able to heal their previous attachment wounds, address any attachment changes that have occurred since opening up and create relationships that are founded on relational security instead of structural security,

When connection is unavailable, inconsistent, intrusive, dangerous or out of reach, the attachment system will either start to hyperactivate or deactivate as a survival strategy.