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November 2 - November 5, 2025
Congratulations! You’ve earned your first achievement: Crazy Cat Lady. You have entered the World Dungeon accompanied by a cat. Ahh, isn’t that sweet?
Standard Healing Potion. Increases your health by at least 50%. Doesn’t cure poison or other health-seeping conditions such as succubus-inflicted gonorrhea. So remember to wrap it up, bucko.
New achievement! You’ve killed a mob! You’re a murderer! He probably had a family!
New achievement! You’ve killed an armed mob with your bare fucking hands! Holy crap, dude. That’s kinda fucked up.
New achievement! You’ve entered a guildhall! Congratulations. You know how to open doors. Reward: That sense of fulfillment you feel? That’s reward enough.
Gold Shoe Box (9/10) Enchanted Toe Ring of the Splatter Skunk. A toe ring? A goddamned toe ring? I needed shoes, damnit! Not a toe ring!
Toad Cudgel Big stick for bonking. Bonk toad. Bonk mob. Bonk girlfriend and drag back to cave by hair.
It also makes you look like a dollar store Batman.
Unlike most monster-skin apparel items, this shirt will not grant a negative reaction amongst trolls. In fact, lady trolls might just want to haul you away for some one-on-one time if they see you in this.
New achievement! Loot! You’re wearing something you found in the dungeon. Reward: You’re now a handsome son of a bitch. That’s reward enough.
New achievement! Oooh, Magic! You’re wearing magical gear for the first time! You’re a wizard, Crawler!
I heard everything you said to my manservant,”
“He’s a little slow,” Donut said to Mordecai. “Intelligence of only three. Sad, really. But he’s been with the family for a while now, and I just can’t see myself letting him go.”
Enchanted Crown of the Sepsis Whore. Who’s a dirty girl? You’re a dirty girl!
Princess Donut has named your party The Royal Court of Princess Donut. Princess Donut has changed your title to Royal Bodyguard. Princess Donut has changed her title to Grand Champion Best in Dungeon.
Beautiful cat, Blorg. But why isn’t her bodyguard wearing pants?’”
“Nor am I wearing a cloak that makes me look like I won a participation trophy at the special needs comic con, Carl. I’m a cat. Cats don’t wear pants. Don’t be so droll.”
but the idea of fighting a fucking llama with my bare hands was ridiculous.
then you better buck up, get over your human male privilege, and take one for your princess.”
these kneepads are both good protection and they’re stylish. Stylish, that is, if your knees are cosplaying as hedgehogs.
The goblin looked at me as if I’d just asked her to eat a Twinkie out of my ass.
“Did we really just start a meth war between the goblins and the llamas?”
“There sure were a lot of babies in there, too,”
Question: What’s the only thing standing between an innocent child and a happy, fulfilling life? Answer: You. The answer is you.
It’s not the best protection, but it’ll make your ass look oh so pretty.
“It’s a dagger dripping blood,” Donut said, examining it close. “My word is it ghastly. Miss Beatrice is going to absolutely shit when she sees it on me.”
Hopefully now you’ll realize all those Magic: The Gathering cards are nothing more than just meaningless pieces of paper, and you should have spent your money on something with actual value, like a treadmill. Or shampoo.
Can you, uh, put down your cat?” “Put me down?” “That’s not what he meant,” I said. “Donut. Chill.”
“How is it you’re James Bond when it comes to strangers, but Miss Beatrice could date three different guys at once, and you had no idea?” “Three different guys?” “Well, you were one of them, so two, I guess. Then again, it’s three if you count Angel’s owner. Does it count as cheating when it’s with another woman? There's so many human nuances I don't understand.” “Of course it counts as cheating,” I said. For fuck’s sake. “But you were always watching those videos on your iPad with the two women rolling around and cleaning each other. Would it have been cheating if Miss Beatrice let you
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“I have been grievously injured in battle,” she said. “In saving you, I have made the ultimate sacrifice. I can feel my life fading away, Carl. I’m circling that last bend into the drain. This is the end. I used my claws like you said, and I have perished as a result. Miss Beatrice is going to be most displeased with you.”
“I am already one of god’s most perfect creatures, so I won’t be changing race when the opportunity arises. I was born a cat, and I will die a cat. In fact, I’m going to have to insist that Carl choose a cat race as well.”
“I have 230 torches in my inventory. It’s absolutely ridiculous.”
New achievement! This Little Piggy Went to Market! Oh yeah, baby. You have killed more than five opponents during boss battles using your bare feet. You are making daddy very, very happy.
It tasted as if I’d taken a drink directly from the diseased asshole of an incontinent skunk.
“If we die, I want you to know that I love you, Carl,” Donut said. “I don’t love you as much as I love Miss Beatrice, because she’s, you know, she’s my person. Or as much as I love Ferdinand. But I love you.”
“I don’t want to do this without you,” Donut cried. “Carl, I lied before. I won’t be fine on my own. I need you. No, no!”
Donut: CARL, YOU NEED TO WORK ON YOUR CARDIO. YOU ARE MUCH HEAVIER THAN YOU LOOK.
“You’ve been hit on twice now,” Donut said. “Once by a meth-addled goblin shaman and once by Abraham Lincoln’s grandmother. I can’t wait to see who you attract next. Five gold coins says it’s some sort of bog witch with a beard.”
In other words, you are fucked. Absolutely, bite-the-pillow, fucked.
“Carl, darling. I can’t believe you hooked up with that guy,” Donut said loudly. She pushed at the door, heading out of the room. “He sure squealed a lot, though.” Her laughter trailed off into the hallway. “Goddamnit, Donut,” I said.
Donut: THIS IS A BETRAYAL MOST FOUL.
New achievement! PETA Enthusiast! You somehow managed to remove the hostility of an aggravated, non-sapient enemy. That enemy then fought against other enemies to your benefit. The ghost of Steve Irwin smiles down upon you. Reward: I SAID THE GHOST OF STEVE IRWIN SMILES DOWN UPON YOU.
“It’s okay, I’m here. Mommy is here,” Donut said. He rushed up and chomped her directly on the nose.
She sighed. “All right. Who knew being a mother would be this difficult?”
