Overstated: A Coast-to-Coast Roast of the 50 States

by Colin Quinn

I’ve been to 47 of the 50 states, not counting the Dakotas and Wyoming, so I guess I’ve been to all 50.

Now we are in the factions moment in history, where everybody is broken up into cults trying to force their values and ideals onto each other, and so far, it’s not looking very promising for our future. Because everybody has known since Cain and Abel that blood relatives shouldn’t fight.

The Americans: the most self-centered, enthusiastic, discontented spiritual materialists in history.

Connecticut’s a state that carries a lot of symbolism. It’s got the image of being the rich state. And we love that, because you always want to have somebody that looks like they are enjoying their life in a way you never could. You would rather it was you, but at least somebody’s living it up. I give the rich people in Connecticut credit. They know how to do it. I was in Old Saybrook and they don’t even have a KFC or a Papa John’s. You eat on a back porch and they have a cello and a violist and there’s a rich old lady who goes there alone every day since her husband died in 1998 and she orders the same thing every evening, probably a Waldorf salad and a whiskey sour. Connecticut’s got a lot of one-percenters—and I don’t mean the outlaw-biker kind. Isn’t it weird that somehow the outlaw biker one-percenter is now the ultrarich? There’s not really a lot of crossover since Malcolm Forbes died. But that’s Connecticut.

I spent three weeks in gun-wavin’ New Haven a few summers ago doing my show and the city is Yale kids running for their student housing once the sun goes down. When class lets out, it’s like watching a herd of wildebeests trying to make it past a pride of lions. That’s Connecticut.

Because in a country that prides itself on getting rid of the class system, we still want to know that somebody is rich. Even if you want to kill them or take them down or Bernie Sanders them financially, you still want them to exist.

We live the seven deadly sins every bit as much as they did in colonial times, only now they are digital: Facebook is envy. Twitter is wrath. Instagram is pride, lust, gluttony, greed, and sloth. The internet is original sin. It’s all the knowledge in the world. The tree of knowledge. And now we have it. But in Genesis humans aren’t supposed to have all that access to information, because we can’t handle

Vermont is the friendliest of the New England states, which is not that hard to be but still.

The band Phish is from Vermont, which shocks no one. If the band Phish can’t be from Vermont, then what’s it all mean?

that’s where we are at. Trying to legally and culturally accommodate a country that has a Vermont and a Kansas living by the same rules. It’s pretty amazing that we pulled it off for as long as we did, really.

That’s Delaware’s motto: “Welcome to Delaware. Don’t ask, because once you know, you might be subpoenaed.” Delaware gives you plausible deniability.

Here’s why you know the Electoral College was not that great of an idea. Nobody copied us. Well, not nobody, but the only other places that have Electoral Colleges are India, Nepal, Pakistan, and Vatican City. In India the president doesn’t count—it’s a figurehead role; Pakistan is shady; Nepal is a country created for Instagram; and Vatican City, since its president is the pope, that turns the cardinals into the Senate, and, other than the College of Cardinals and the Swiss Guard, there are no citizens. Have you ever heard of a million-dollar listing in Vatican City? No. Because there’s no real estate agent—you can’t just live there.

They still won’t go online—no cell phones, no Instagram, no nothing. I used to think they were idiots, but the more we become a society that can’t stop texting and tweeting and charging, the more the Amish seem like they are the smart ones and we are the

idiots.

America’s first seaside resort was Cape May. Before that, people only used the sea to fish or kill themselves. Then somebody went to Cape May to kill themselves and changed their minds and went home and said, “I actually enjoyed that time before and after. On the sand.” And everybody said, “They really are crazy. Why would you lie on sand? You use the water and then get out.” People didn’t have time to lie on the sand. It seemed weird at first. Because it is kind of weird. It would be like if after you took a shower, you put on sunglasses and you laid on a towel on the bathroom floor and read a book for an hour.

I actually heard that the chant before the Ravens leave the locker room is “Once upon a midnight dreary! Okay, let’s go out there and rap at their chamber door!!” They also have a British flag design, which is a little bit of a move. They are like the girl that still follows her ex on social media just to keep her options open.

Jimmy Buffet is the most American success story ever. He was a one-hit wonder who built an entire following around the idea of retirement and drinking margaritas.

So if the country is a street, then Mississippi is the house where the front porch is a little paint-chipped and one of the cushions is missing from the porch swing and the screen is patched up and the light is out and there’s just four generations of eyes staring at a bug zapper.

I still love Florida. You stand alone. Because you are unique and because we don’t want to stand too close to you because we might get arrested too.

Everyone’s living miles apart so you don’t have access to a lot of other potential romantic partners and then you take out the percentage of attractive people, and there were no dating apps. I’m not defending incest. I mean, I am, but I’m just trying to look at it from their point of view. You have a high infant-mortality rate and the average person dies of black lung at thirty-two and your hot cousin comes to visit and you think, “What am I doing? Life is short!”

Ohio is part of the Northwest Territory from the Treaty of Paris. The first frontier. The first chance for the government to put the system we created into action. The first new states. Ohio. And Ohioans took it seriously. They didn’t play around with slavery or greed. They were earnest people. You needed canal-building OCD Germans. That’s what Ohio had; it wasn’t a state that seemed like it had a lot of resources to get rich, so you had to really want to be just a hardworking farmer. If you got injured, you had nothing coming and that’s what you got. And they are still like that. Always in the middle. Half the state has that Kentucky accent, the other half has that Great Lakes accent. They had the auto plants and the steel plants, but were never Detroit or Pittsburgh. Always the middle child. The good middle child.

Sincerity took Ohio a long way. It was the state everybody liked. The state that did moderation right.

Ohio is the example of how the country was supposed to behave. And where did it get them? It got them a front seat on the train to meh.

Indiana is one of those states where people are all about the honor system. If you steal something, they can’t even believe it. Because they don’t want anything free. Ever.

The multinationals who have bought the small family farms are probably forcing farmers to have corporate culture. Meetings where they tell a bunch of guys in overalls how to manage expectations and encourage innovation and have team-building exercises for the chickens. They send managers around to motivate the farmers. They have to put up quotes around the farm: “Always be harvesting.” “Make a goal an opportunity.” HR tells them you can no longer milk the cow without verbal consent.

The point is that every landmark and historical site has a few bloodstains on it if you look closely. And so, Missouri’s Gateway Arch is a gateway to freedom and opportunity for some and a circle of hell to others.

Iowa is known to have the highest literacy rate in the nation. That’s because when the nearest person is a hundred miles away, there’s nothing to do but read.

eagle. I’ve been going to Wisconsin since the late 80s and I have to say, they really had that fat-hipster-who’s-good-with-electrical-and-plumbing thing down even back then.

Wisconsin is the state that you can rely on. The chubby friend who’s good with electrical and, even if he doesn’t know how to do something, goes on YouTube the night before and figures it out. And every country needs this.

I might die before I visit you. Who wants to die in North Dakota?

You are riding off the fact that North Dakota looks at you like you are the hip brother, but the rest of us have seen things and we know a dud when we meet one. Maybe being associated with North Dakota is holding you back? How about this? You change your name. Rebrand. West Minnesota.

Fun wasn’t part of the equation. Even little kids had to work. Kids didn’t have games. The only game a kid would play until 1908 was tag, to see who had to work the night shift at the mine that winter.

Arizona is a model state. By “model” I mean it’s beautiful but empty. It doesn’t have highways—it has runways. It is one of those places that is just blessed with good looks, but it hasn’t really done anything with them. You know, what are they supposed to do, have a state fair? Leave that for the fatties up in Iowa and Indiana.

This country was like any other married couple. When it was good, it was great. But when we had fights, it was usually about money.

Nevada went from being a giant desert to being a giant ashtray. It’s all about gambling. The state was just a sandbox waiting for the mafia to come in and give them some ideas.

Nature gave Colorado a Disneyland.

congratulations, Colorado, everybody thinks you’re cool, but you and I know you were just in the right place at the right time.

Hemingway is considered the great American writer, and he lived through the Spanish Civil War and tragic French love affairs, and heartbreak and betrayal and World War II, and yet it took Idaho to finally make him think, “Life is pointless.” That should be Idaho’s state motto: “We took Hemingway’s spirit.”

So, keep being “U,” Utah. We need you, even though it’s a little embarrassing to admit it.

Washington is also known for rainfall. That’s nothing to be proud of. You didn’t do anything. You just are there and it rains and then you act like it’s

It shouldn’t be a five-hour plane ride to the next nearest state! But that’s how we were in 1959. We would’ve turned any place we found into a state because we couldn’t imagine people not wanting to be with us. We were full of ourselves after World War II. It happens to a lot of countries—and teams, after a couple of Super Bowls. You get cocky.

I think Hawaii and Alaska jinxed us! “Aloha” means “hello” and “goodbye.” We thought we were saying hello, but maybe we were actually saying goodbye.

This country is on the verge of a civil war and we can’t afford it because it’ll never stop, it’ll go on forever. Because who’s going to break it up? Canada? Mexico? Nova Scotia?