Outdated: Find Love That Lasts When Dating Has Changed

by Jonathan "JP" Pokluda

We want the lifetime, unconditional level of love we would get from family but also want it to be based entirely on who we are rather than to whom we were born.

That’s the other reason why people are so interested in dating advice: we, as a society, are getting increasingly bad at it.

Almost from birth, we’re told that dating and marriage are supposed to look a certain way. Our views on love and relationships are based just as much on fantasy—literally fairy tales—as they are on anything resembling real life.

the reality is that modern dating is a failure.

if you do the same things everyone else is doing—then you’ll get the same outcomes as everyone else. And those outcomes, statistically, aren’t that great.

We try to conform to modern society’s standards and expectations for dating, even though modern society is terrible at forming relationships that last. By and large, we’re doing dating wrong, and the results speak for themselves.

You can’t do the same things you’ve been doing, and the same things millions of other people have been doing, and expect to get different results.

If you want a different outcome, you need to provide a different input. You have to be willing to change.

It is a new idea; most people throughout most of history managed to live, love, and marry successfully without ever “dating” anyone.

Essentially, we are given a lot of freedom in how we pursue relationships, but things go better for us when we follow God’s advice.a As 1 Corinthians 10:23 says:

“I have the right to do anything,” you say—but not everything is beneficial. “I have the right to do anything”—but not everything is constructive.

Dating is like when you’re looking for a job and are in the interview phase. It’s not a fun phase.

When I look at this generation of young singles in the church today, I can’t help but think that if everyone just got this right—if people put their selfish desires aside and began to pursue God’s desires for each other, and pursued each other the way God desires—that change would be amazing and powerful. There would be a revival. There would be a great awakening. Single people would live on mission, godly marriages would be formed, disciples would be made in the home. Christianity would spread like wildfire in a culture that has been growing cold to it. We could change a generation—and change the world—just by changing the way we date.

Proverbs 18:22: “He who finds a wife finds what is good and receives favor from the LORD.”

And that means you have the same benefits of being able to serve God without the distractions of having to take care of a family.

You will never be more uninhibited, more available, and more ready to serve God than you are right now as a single person.

‘the eyes of the LORD range throughout the earth to strengthen those whose hearts are fully committed to him’ (2 Chron. 16:9). I pray that you would find me, so that you might use me to change this place.”

You can’t always choose how you feel (although, through your actions, you can heavily influence your feelings). But you can always choose how you act.

Real love is selfless. It’s about serving, not being served; giving, not getting. And when both people love and give and serve each other selflessly, well, you end up getting quite a lot.

God’s love for us isn’t just a feeling; it’s the most selfless act of service imaginable.c

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always

trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. (1 Cor. 13:4–8)

This list is also all acts of selfless service. If you want to love someone, these are your instructions. This is your job description. Be patient, kind, humble (“does not boast . . . [is] not proud”), respectful (“does not dishonor others”), selfless (“not self-seeking”), gentle (“not easily angered”), forgiving (“keeps no record of wrongs”), forgiven (“does not delight in evil”), truthful, protecting, trusting, hopeful, persevering, and faithful (“never fails”). That’s how you are to love. And when you are

searching for someone to marry, look for someone who also does these things.

“Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.” Above all else, guard your heart.

Song of Songs 8:4: “Daughters of Jerusalem, I charge you: Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires.”

There will have to be compromise. So dating is not about finding someone you’re compatible with. It’s about finding someone you can live with in an understanding way.

I feel like online dating is one of those things that is not always beneficial, and that frankly I wish wasn’t necessary.

reminder: God took great joy in designing you.c He loves you, has given you infinite value, and has paid a great price for you through his Son, Jesus. Find someone with that faith who understands your worth.

What You Should Look For What you are looking for, therefore, is someone who is a fully devoted follower of Christ. First you have to be one yourself, then you find someone else who is similarly pursuing God and join together in your pursuit.

who is willing to work hard, because marriage takes work.

Controlled, Responsible, Obedient, Serving, and Steady. Put those together, and you have someone whose life is marked by the CROSS.

The most loving thing you can do for your future spouse is to get your own life in order long before you even meet them.

And if you’re fully yielded to Christ and they’re fully yielded to Christ, you don’t have to pursue each other. You pursue God together, side by side, as one.

Imagine life as if you’re running a race. You’re chasing after Jesus. You’re serving in your church, going on mission trips, sitting in Bible studies, hanging out with a solid group of friends who are also running after Jesus. As you look to your right or left, there is always someone running alongside you. They are doing the same things you are to chase after Jesus. Find someone running in the same direction you are, at the same speed, and ask them if they’d like to run this race with you.

“And the Lord’s servant must not be quarrelsome but must be kind to everyone, able to teach, not resentful.”

Galatians 5:22–23: “But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law.”

Leaders remove confusion.

Besides being honest and clear, you need to have a good purpose for dating someone.

As many studies have consistently shown over time, people who live together before marriage are more likely to divorce.4

Basically, when you cohabitate first, everything you want to go up in marriage goes down, and everything you want to go down goes up.

That’s because cohabitation isn’t a precursor to marriage; it’s a replacement for marriage. It removes most of the motivation for getting married.