fast

by Millie Belizaire

People aren’t like numbers—they aren’t predictable. People lie. People pretend. People don’t always make much sense.

My mommy had been sick a really long time, with blood coming out of her mouth and stuff. I couldn’t remember a time when she wasn’t sick, and I knew she was hurting real bad. When she died, everybody told me she wasn’t hurting no more. So even though I was sad, I was happy, too, ‘cause the hurting stopped.

🥺 i can’t imagine losing a parent at such a young age

I know a lie when I hear one. Especially when white folks try it. White folks don’t know how to lie. They try too hard to make it sound true, and that’s not how you do it. When you lie, you gotta sound like you don’t care with it. Like you just be saying stuff just to say it, and if people don’t believe you then they stupid. I was eight years old and even I was a better liar than Ms. Walowitz.

🤣😂😂

My grandma looked like she was Ms. Walowitz’s age; too old to be my mama, but too young to be my mama’s mama. She wore a white polo shirt tucked into these baggy blue jeans that she held up at her stomach with a belt. Her hair was cut short and swooped to one side, like she wanted to look like either one of the ladies in Salt-N-Pepa.

oh lord i can already how she’s gonna be moving

a big light skinned man with muscles all over his body came from inside the pink house. Marcel looked so scary, but Gracie talked to him like he was a little boy. Stepping down the steps of the porch, his eyes stayed on me the whole time. He didn’t even blink; he just stared at me like I stole something from him.

now see that’s reg flag #1

The pink house had two bedrooms and two bathrooms. One room was for Gracie, which had a bathroom inside of it, and the other room was for Marcel. The second bathroom was across the hall from Marcel’s room and him and me would share it.

now see, gracie should’ve let caprice use her bathroom

He was a very nice uncle to me, always giving me stuff. Every time he came home from wherever it was he would go, he would always bring me back something like candy or a new toy. Chocolate was my favorite, so he always got me chocolate bars.

it always starts off like this omg

One time when Gracie was at work, Marcel even said since I didn’t have a mommy, he would be my daddy, if I wanted him to be. We were sitting in the living room watching Family Matters, and he said he would be my daddy, like Laura Winslow’s daddy. I didn’t know what to say, so I said thank you. So, then he asked me to practice calling him daddy, and I did.

OH FUCK NO

His breath was hot against my neck as he spoke, and his rough hand slipped over my back, just rubbing up and down. “Your body is perfect the way it is, Caprice. Eat up. You deserve it.” And just like that, I decided I didn’t like chocolate anymore.

this poor girl…UGH HE MAKES ME SICK!

“Just keep watching the TV,” he whispered behind my neck as his hands began to move to places I knew they weren’t supposed to go. That cold feeling in my stomach rose to my chest, and even though I didn’t know why, I started to cry. From behind me, of course, Marcel couldn’t see the tears coming down my cheeks. “That feel good, niece?” Even as I cried, I somehow knew there was only one right answer, so that’s the answer I gave him.

oh jesus

He was trying to make you feel good. It wasn’t nothing bad. It wasn’t nothing to cry for.

oh sweetie

First, he looked at me real scared like. It was like he’d been caught stealing. When his face relaxed, he put up a single finger to his lips and whispered, “Shhhh, keep it a secret.”

i don’t even know how a grown ass man can do something like this to a child?

Gracie might’ve believed me if not for the fact that my bones was starting to show on my arms. “You’ve been losing weight like crazy.”

yeah look at your son for that

I know this because Gracie would sometimes come home in the late evening, just in time to catch Marcel jump away from me on the couch. She never found that strange. There were days when I would leave my dirty clothes for her to find, hoping she might see the dried-up lotion, but she never noticed. Sometimes I’d just be sitting on the bus with Gracie, on the way to the grocery store, and I’d just up and start crying.

and she ain’t put two and two together yet?

“Go get ready, Caprice,” she said from the La-Z-Boy chair. “I’m taking you to the doctor today.”

okay okay now i’m scared

She didn’t even ask about chocolate. You see, Gracie knew that I didn’t like chocolate anymore, too. Even though I never said it. So maybe she was paying attention to some things.

i swear to god if she knew about this shit and ain’t say nothing…

After Gracie started taking me with her when she would go to work, I think Marcel thought I told her what he was doing to me. I think he was scared, ‘cause he stopped for the rest of the summer. At night, I would wait for him to come into the living room, and he would never come. He didn’t buy me toys or candy anymore, but at least he stopped touching me. For me, that was a good trade. My weight was coming back on account of the Ensure Plus.

okay that’s good but i’m still afraid for her

All it took was three baby wipes, and I felt clean enough. It wasn’t as good as a shower, but it would keep me calm until I got home. I would feel clean enough if I was able to wipe every two hours.

excessive cleanliness

All the boys who would play were tall like Marcel, except one. The littlest one was called Shaun.

awwww there’s our sweet boy 😭

Even though I didn’t scream like the other girls, I was rooting for Shaun, too. A win for Shaun was a win for all the little people up against bigger people in the world. When Shaun got a point, it made me feel like just because I was small, didn’t mean I couldn’t be powerful. When I told Ms. Kelly about it once, she said the word I was looking for was, ‘inspiration’. That’s what Shaun was to me. My inspiration.

this is so freaking cute

On the way to school, he walked on one side of the street, and I walked on the other. When I walked a little bit slower, he slowed down a little as well. When I walked faster, he got faster, too.

STAWP 😭😭

And that’s how I started my amazing first day of third grade. My teacher was nice. My clothes were new. I had a fresh pack of baby wipes in my backpack. And Shaun from the basketball court knew who I was. I think he even wanted to be my friend.

the baby wipes are still making me sad but yes to everything else

“You always teasin’ me,” he said, voice slow and deep like a… monster. “You always takin’ them showers ‘cross the hall from me, swingin’ your naked tail ‘round this house. What you want Caprice?”

seriously wtf?! you’re turned on from a CHILD—

Floating overhead, I saw the blood spread across the bathroom tiles. I saw Marcel kick Caprice softly when he was finished, just to see if she was alive. I watched as he left her and his mess to lie there on the ground. I saw Caprice stay there, bleeding and bruised, staring out into space, softly crying out for her mommy who was dead.

i can’t…i hope his sick ass dies

She said it like she was doing me a favor, but I heard what she was really saying. If I got her room, and she took the couch, that meant Marcel would still be sleeping in his own room. He was gonna be here every day after school, able to do what he did to me again. Maybe this was Gracie’s way of letting me know that even though her son hurt me real bad, he was still her son. Maybe Gracie didn’t love me like I thought she did.

AN YOU STILL LETTING HIM IN THE HOUSE?! this bitch pissing me off already

“Marcel ain’t never gon’ touch you again when I’m done with him,” she promised, as if that was supposed to make me feel better. It didn’t matter if he never touched me again, anyway. What mattered was that he already had. There wasn’t no going back from that. It was burned into my brain now, and so no matter how much Gracie promised to keep me safe, all I could think about was how she couldn’t do it in the first place.

exactly!

“That little girl got some fire in her pants. Fast as hell. She probably invited one of those neighborhood boys in, and got roughed up tryna be grown!” Is that what happened? Is that true?

OH FUCK YOU

I got hurt yesterday, while Marcel was out with his boys. When I came home from school, I must’ve forgot to lock the door behind me. Somebody must’ve followed me inside. Sitting up on the bed, I closed my eyes and tried to remember it that way.

no no no it was right the first time 😢

“That’s your sister’s baby you lyin’ on. Alice’s baby! That lil’ girl done lost her mama, and then you went and stole her innocence. For what? You can’t get nobody grown to fuck you at twenty-one?” “Mama—” “Don’t ‘mama’ me, lil’ nigga. You lucky I don’t call the police on your raping ass—”

exactly like you as to resort to getting with a little girl? LUCKY?! no call the cops gracie—

She started to talk about things I didn’t even know she realized. “Boy, you must think I’m stupid. She was losing all that weight over the summer, wouldn’t eat nothing, coverin’ up like it was snowing outside. She stopped taking care of herself. And even when that stopped, she developed this habit of washing herself like she just couldn’t get clean enough. All that crying she was doing outta the blue. You don’t think I had my suspicions then? But when all her issues disappeared once I put her in camp, I wrote it off, thinkin’ maybe she was just sad about her mama.” There was a minute of quiet. “Get’cho ass away from her door.”

FINALLY

Even though I felt bad for it, it made me happy to hear her say that. I fell asleep smiling at the thought of police officers coming to take Marcel away. Did that make me a bad person?

hell to the no

“…haven’t seen her since the first day of school, so I was just wonderin’ if she moved. Since it’s been two weeks, and all.” It was a boy… It was Shaun.

awww he was worried about her

I was up extra early on Monday. Mom was surprised because most of the time she had to beat me with a pillow to get me out of bed. Though, today—before she could even wake up—I was showered and dressed for school.

he’s so ready to see caprice he miss her 🥺

I shouldn’t have told Mom about her. It’s just that… after Caprice missed four days of school, I told Mom. My mistake was that while telling her how worried I was, I slipped up and called Caprice pretty.

awww 🥹

“When she comes out, you should offer to hold her backpack.” I twisted my head back and looked up at her from the steps, scrunching my face up because I didn’t understand. “Why would I do that?” Mom rolled her eyes like I was bothering her. “She was sick for almost two weeks, Shaun. Her strength might not be back up yet… and it’s the nice thing to do.” I was still confused. “But then I gotta carry two backpacks…”

oh my god LMAOO

Out from the front door stepped a girl who I think was Caprice. She looked a little different. Her body was skinnier than I remembered. Mom spoke quietly so that only I could hear. “Aw, she’s adorable. Shaun, get up and go hold her backpack—go.”

mom is all for them 🤣

When I took my last step closer to her, she took a step back. I took one more step forward to close the space… so she took two more steps back. Thinking to myself, I nodded. Some people don’t like it when you all up on them and stuff.

she’s so skittish omg

When I would play ball over the summer, sometimes I scored points just to get her to look up. I wanted her to see me. I wanted her to cheer me on like the other girls did, but at the same time, I was kinda glad she never tried. I might’ve been too nervous to play if I knew she was watching me the whole time.

he is just smitten

“Can I walk with you to the ball courts after school then?” “Like how we did this morning?” she asked. I just nodded, and she said,“Yeah…” The ribbons in her hair swayed as she gave her answer. “…We can walk together.”

my cutie pies

And then she started screaming. I’m not just talking about screaming like how some girls laugh and scream when they’re having fun outside. No. This was something different. Caprice screamed like someone was trying to kill her. She covered her ears and dropped to the ground, curling up into a little ball, just screaming and screaming. It was the kind of screaming that had people coming out of their apartments, traffic slowing down, ripping into your ear drums to tell you something was very, very wrong. It was the kind of screaming that scared the heck outta me.

the trauma response :(

Three police officers stepped out from inside her home. The first one held two big jars of this green stuff that I knew was called weed. The second officer held only one jar of the same stuff, but in his other hand was a big white trash bag of something else I couldn’t see. The last police officer was holding onto a man.

yeah take his funky ass out

Her head slowly turned in my direction. I’ll never forget how absolutely chilling it was to hear the words that came out of her mouth next. She looked at me square in the eyes, blue and red colored lights shining over one half of her face, and told me, “I’m not crying because I’m sad.”

she’s crying cause of relief

time makes you forget the things that never mattered. However, when things are serious—traumatic, maybe—time has a way of painting unforgettable images into your memory. Trauma is like cement; time only makes it more solid.

that’s why i dislike that saying because even as time goes on you’re still wounded and possibly blocked out that hurt. it wouldn’t be healthy.

Sometimes you can fool yourself into thinking you’re “over” something. Then you catch yourself saying things, doing things, avoiding things, realizing you never truly got over anything. You just set new boundaries so that the same thing couldn’t happen to you twice. Time doesn’t heal most wounds. If you’re lucky, time distracts you long enough so that you can forget.

she’s absolutely right

Even though I didn’t tell her to call the police, even though I didn’t tell Marcel to have that much weed, even though I was just a child when all this went down… Gracie blamed me.

yeah fuck her cause what the fuck? YOU called the cops? not even for the fact that your son was a rapist but to leave her house without no problem?

From what I gathered, Marcel was having a very tough time on the inside. Over the years I put clues together, using what I’d learn about prison, and I figured someone on the inside was doing to him what he once did to me. I thought imagining it would make me happy, but it didn’t. I wouldn’t wish that kind of thing on anyone. Not even Marcel.

that should tell you what kind of person she is. she has all the reasons to not give a fuck.

I’ve been knowing Princess for quite some time now. When I was much younger, I remember really wanting her and her friends to like me. Looking like an off-brand Christina Milian, Princess was pretty and had really nice style. Unfortunately for me, she was also nasty, and for some reason she decided I was the person she should direct that energy at. As we got older, I did my best to avoid her. Princess had it out for me, and I had no idea why.

so i see she’s still childish at heart? the fuck is wrong with her?

It was the summer right before ninth grade. I’d been working at Kemetic Pages more than a year now, every day right after school. I saved most of everything I made. Making about seven fifty an hour and working about twenty-five hours a week, I saved almost eight thousand dollars on my own. Miss Sylvia was the one who helped me start my bank account, and that’s where nearly all the money went every pay day. I was saving up for when I moved out of Gracie’s house and went to college.

gracie better not try no slick shit either

A long, long time ago, I convinced myself I was in love with Shaun. I was eleven. He was thirteen. That “in love” feeling lasted for three weeks, and then he went off and got his first girlfriend—Tasha Neuman. I cried for six days—one day longer than their relationship lasted—and decided I was better off only seeing Shaun as a friend.

giiiiirl if you knew how much he crushed on you back then 😭

Even now, he was like a magnet, shrinking the space between us as we sat, getting closer to me than I allowed anyone to usually get. Shaun was different; he didn’t make me shrink when he got too close. Unlike with most people, he never made me feel uncomfortable. We could just kind of exist together in the same space, breathing the same air, like it was the most natural thing in the world.