Rules of Estrangement: Why Adult Children Cut Ties and How to Heal the Conflict

by Joshua Coleman

There are a variety of reasons that adult children say really hurtful, cruel things to their parents, and I’m not giving them a pass. I’m appalled, frankly, by some of the things adult children and their spouses say to their parents. But you’re better off thinking about it from the perspective of their trying to communicate something that’s important about their experience or the relationship that they don’t have the skills to do in a more tactful way.

It’s what you do with the pain that will make the difference between a life tethered to constant, implacable sorrow and one that has joy and meaning along with the pain.

Here’s something else I’ve learned that helps estranged parents: Self-compassion is everything. Without self-compassion there is no serenity, no happiness, no resilience, and no future. Your life will be spent in endless infernos of self-loathing, self-doubt, and self-hatred. You will turn away from those you love and those who love you. And if you don’t turn away from them, you will drive them away with your inability to take care of yourself.