Oranges and Lemons (Bryant & May #17)

by Christopher Fowler

Arthur Bryant and John May were finished. Their unbroken record of successful murder prosecutions was mitigated by their inability to follow even the simplest rules.

Raymond Land had been looking forward to retirement on the Isle of Wight, partly because of the time difference (it was always 1965 there)

How had he ever thought his retirement would be idyllic? The house was falling down, the locals were Neanderthals and the nearest pub was half a mile away.

The most exciting thing to happen so far was a duck climbing through his toilet window.

One other thing: Does he have a vitamin C deficiency?’ ‘Everybody does, in the sense that some vitamins aren’t stored in the body. It’s worse in the city. You just have to eat an orange.’

By the way, I left a stool sample on your reception desk.’ ‘I didn’t ask you for one.’ ‘Think of it as a souvenir.’

‘While you were off looking for nirvana did you read a lot of murder mysteries?’ asked Land. ‘Because that is the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard. Death by fruit? It’s impossible.

He let out a sigh that contained the weight of the world. ‘Life is one big bloody trick played on the unsuspecting.’

he decided to head directly to the St Pancras morgue. ‘Oranges and lemons,’ say the bells of St Clement’s, he thought. ‘You owe me five farthings,’ say the bells of St Martin’s. The idea was absurd, but it wouldn’t take long for hacks to start putting the pieces together.

A silver penny was pretty soft and could be scored with a cross to make two half-pennies or four quarters, which is why there were four farthings in a penny right up until 1969, when it was removed from circulation.’

‘The best known version of the “Oranges and Lemons” song has six calls to action. That leaves four more victims to be attacked in public places.

Where were you?’ ‘I was blown up.’ ‘What, again?’ She could smell smoke on him.

The sheer amount of disinformation involved in the case meant that the exact wording for the highly complex charge sheet was drafted more times than the Magna Carta.