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March 2 - March 8, 2021
Life happens whether you’re worrying about it or not, and it seems presumptuous to think we have much of a say in how things play out.
I close my eyes for an instant and offer the prayer that has run through my head for much of my nine years of marriage. I pray the sea will keep my husband and he will not return to me.
My father wanted me to marry Anthony, and so I did, because following my family’s wishes without protest is what I have been raised to do. I envy men the freedom to choose their own spouses. They snap us up as though they are purchasing a piece of fruit at the market, and we are expected to have no say in the matter.
Finally, the scenery changed. Brown and gray became aquamarine and sapphire, Mr. Flagler’s railroad eventually living up to its vaunted reputation.
we’ve sought out each other like two magnets drawn together,
“A lot older than twenty-three. I don’t have time for spoiled girls with more time on their hands than sense.”
When you’ve lost it all, it’s hard not to feel as though there’s little to be gained by following the rules, by playing it safe.
My father owned shares in this railroad once upon a time when I was still a girl living in a gilded world. Before the crash. Before we lost everything. Before he killed himself. I
despite the obvious differences between us, there’s something about her that is so familiar. I know what it’s like to feel alone.
The helplessness is the hardest part, that sensation of being trapped by life, by circumstance and all the things out of your control wearing you down day after day, month after month, year after year. It’s enough to make you want to run away and never look back. It’s enough to make you rail against the world.
You can tell a lot about a person by watching them eat.
Despite my reservations, I can’t help but admire her courage and tenacity. How many times have I considered leaving, only to be stopped by all the reasons I shouldn’t, all the obstacles in front of me?
It’s ridiculous, of course, to be so discouraged by the waitress’s words. I made it all the way from New York City on my own. These last few hours shouldn’t seem insurmountable, but they do.
I certainly didn’t predict such an ignominious end.
“Are we to make small talk now? I thought we were fellow passengers by necessity—yours—rather than choice.”
“The day we stop fighting for others is the day we might as well pack it all up and go home.”
I think I’ve embarrassed him, even as I am left with the unmistakable sensation that I have made a friend.
When we first married, I thought it was sweet that he worried about me so much, that he cared where I was. But the more out of control the world around us became, the tighter Tom held on to things at home, until he became more jailer than husband and I realized it wasn’t sweet at all.
the pain in my wrist lessening not one bit.
The world I live in really isn’t all that different from politics. People want power because they think it makes them untouchable. They’ll do anything they can to make sure that power is never taken away from them.”
“All those enemies must come at a cost. Do you ever get tired of paying it? Don’t you worry one of your enemies will strike at you?”
If the last two years have taught me anything, it’s that your life can change in a moment even if you never saw it coming.
there is a loneliness to being wholly on your own that I didn’t anticipate. Perhaps I wish to find the person with whom I can be free.
It’s like there’s a sickness inside him, eating away at those good parts I fell in love with so long ago until there’s nothing of the emotions I once felt for him, only fear and regret.
No matter how hard you try, as long as you’re with him, you’ll be in danger. It’s getting worse, isn’t it?”
“No one can tell you what to do, Helen; you have to decide for yourself. But he’s got you thinking you’re backed into a corner, that you have nowhere to go, no options but him, and that’s not true. You have friends, people who would help you, and most importantly, you’re smart and you’re stronger than you give yourself credit for. No one could live the life you’ve been living and not be brave. “Before I met Max there were men. Some good, others not so much. The bad ones will make you believe you’re nothing. They’ll make you small because that’s the only way they’ll ever see themselves as
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You worry about getting safe. The rest will fall into place.”
What if there could be something else? Somewhere for the two of us? What if I could be free? I’m scared, but more than anything, I’m tired. So tired.
I was a girl when we married, barely more than a child myself. Tom has been my whole world; he has made himself my whole world in all sorts of little ways I never even realized, like telling me what to wear, or what to eat, or who I should be friends with. But as hard as it is to envision my life without him, I can’t see staying with him, either.
It’s funny how one man’s paradise can be another’s prison. I can’t stay another day in mine. “I’m leaving him.” The words escape my lips before my mind catches up with the reality of them, but as soon as I say them, I am filled with a sense of rightness even as fear seeps through.
And like that, I leave my husband.
The ferry is unpredictable enough as it is; better to leave now when there’s help to be found and a chance of escape than miss this opportunity.
Everybody needs help at one point or another. There’s no shame in that.”
The world has expectations of you, of how you are to shoulder your burdens with grace, of the role you play, and as soon as you don’t live up to those expectations, it’s easier for others to cast you aside rather than change how they view the world.
We are defined by what we do for others, by our relationships, by w...
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I never thought about it that way, but he’s right. There are greetings, and casual questions I ask throughout my day, but they’re done out of habit more than anything else. They’re expected. A routine that makes everyone more comfortable, the answers as rote as the questions themselves. A script we’ve all memorized.
After all, what more do we want than for someone to see us as we are, to acknowledge our pain, and to offer a moment of relief?
the older bruises made it clear he was rough with you.” “He wasn’t always.” “He shouldn’t ever be.” For a moment, I seize that thought; I imagine living in a world of such comforting absolutes.
he naturally commands respect seemingly without making an effort to do so. The
used to throw their wealth around as though by virtue of it they are entitled to having the world spread before them. Sam is simply direct, lacking in pretense or artifice, and I watch, fascinated by the skill. I admire the power in his job, the ability to command respect, to ask questions people answer. It gives him a quiet confidence I can’t help but envy.
Tom always said I talked too much to my customers, that I was too friendly with them, too familiar, but the truth is, I like talking to people, learning about their lives. You can live a fair share of adventures in other people’s stories.
I have seen the aftermath of many storms. I have never seen anything like this.
A few times, Anthony rushes over to the body as though the person can be saved, as if there is some assistance to be given, but it quickly becomes apparent that there is no point. We are surrounded by death.
Homes are destroyed. Lives are lost. The entire island has effectively been wiped away. These people were already struggling. What will they do now?
No one should see the things we see today.
So many dead that I begin to lose count, the violence of their deaths becoming less shocking with each mile we traverse, the storm’s indiscriminate cruelty numbing me.
With everything we’ve been through together, his presence has been a comfort, and I’m hesitant to separate now.
I want to hold on to John, to the security I have known these past few days, but I force myself to release him.
There are some who never will. It’s as though the hand of God has come down and reordered the world as we know it. Entire families are gone, swept away by the water and winds, and the living are left with the question: Why were we spared when so many others weren’t?
My life is divided into “before” and “after,” and I have come out of the experience of motherhood reborn as someone new.
