Bound by Vengeance (Born in Blood Mafia Chronicles, #5)

by Cora Reilly

I liked things that hurt. I liked hurting others. Maybe even loved it; if I were capable of that kind of emotion.

She was just a girl. A society girl with a pretty dress and an even prettier face. I didn’t give a fuck about pretty. It meant nothing. It was fleeting, could be taken away in a heartbeat.

‘A weapon you can’t control is another advantage for your enemy.’

I did have a reputation, and I was fucking proud of it. My reputation was feared, respected, and that was a great deal more than anyone ever expected from someone like me. The worthless son of a whore. The bastard. The boy who never spoke.

I’d never had something to himself, never even dared to dream about owning something so precious. I was the unwanted bastard son who’d always had to content myself with the leftovers of others.

I hated feeling. Hated the sharpness and intensity of it. Hated being reminded that I was still human in that regard. I needed to be the monster everyone expected of me, I wanted to be that monster.

“But him giving you to me wasn’t kindness,” he said. “Nothing like that. It was cruel and degrading. He wanted to punish you and he knew I was the kind of punishment that would break you.”

Cara. That woman. I felt something. But I didn’t know what it was. I’d never felt like this before. She made me want to treat her right. She made me want to be better. She made me want so many things I shouldn’t want. She was dangerous to me, to the life I’d built, to the person I’d become.

“Nobody will laugh at you when I’m at your side,” he said in a low voice. His expression was deadly, a threat but not to me. I paused. “Why do you even care?” “You’re mine, and I won’t let anyone talk shit about something that belongs to me.”

I was a monster. Would always be. But I could appreciate something precious, something as valuable as Cara, and I would never destroy it. I wasn’t good, there was nothing gray about me. I was all black but I was trying to be good to her. Never as good as she deserved but as good as I was capable of. It wasn’t enough, I realized it every day. I would never be enough.

“So you’re helping me because Falcone treated me wrong? He’s treated many people worse than me.”

Growl nodded. He ran a finger down my arm, then back up again. “He did. I did. But I want to help you be happy. I want you to get out of this miserable city and life. I never wanted that for me, but you, for you I want everything.”

I wanted many things, things I’d never wanted before. Most of all I wanted to tell her that I didn’t want to lose her, and that for the first time in my life I was scared to die because I wanted to have more time with her, and yet at the same time I was scared not to die because then I’d see her leave me the moment we were in New York.

“This life is all you know, all you have. If you risk it for her, you’ll be left with nothing. She isn’t worth it, believe me.” Growl’s eyes slanted over to me briefly. “Yes, she is. She’s worth more than you and I. She’ll be worth losing everything for.”

“Why? If you love him there’s always a way.” “He’s…not good.” Aria laughed softly. “Luca isn’t good either, but I love him with all my heart. You just have to allow yourself to love his good parts.” I loved his good parts and I loved his ugly parts, loved him more than I should.

The moment she’d left for New York without me I’d known that this meant the end for us. The realization had been like a punch in the gut, the realization that she wouldn’t stay with me, a monster. No one would. She’d seemed to enjoy my company in the end, enjoyed my closeness and my touch but I didn’t fool myself.

it had taken a while for me to realize it, I didn’t want to have Cara as a possession. I wanted her to want to be with me.

Growl whirled on me, grabbed me by the shoulders and pressed me against the wall. “I want you. I want you to stay with me because you want to stay. I want you to want me,” he rasped. I exhaled. “I do.” Growl released me. “Do what?” “Want you. Want to stay with you.”

“I gave up hoping for something good a long time ago. It made things easier. Nothing could hurt me. Pain is nothing. People’s insults mean nothing. I cared about nothing. There was nothing I had to fear. But when I got you, I suddenly realized what kind of life I’d led. How little everything had meant. I like being with you, talking to you, sharing meals with you, walking Coco and Bandit with you, and even sharing a bed with you. I never thought I could like that kind of thing, never thought that I might need something like that, but now…” He trailed off, the uncertainty back. “Now I’m fucking scared to lose all that, to lose you. I never knew I needed you but now I can’t imagine being without you. I…I love you, Cara.”

“I want New York to be a new beginning for me and you, if you want that too. And I want to be known as Ryan in this new life.”