Ayoade on Top

by Richard Ayoade

when I opened up my laptop, attached the external DVD player with a (male to male) USB cable to the ’puter port, swabbed the screen with a lemon-fresh (and moist!) towelette, removed a shop-bought DVD from its slightly chipped Amaray case, checked for marks and scuffs that may have resulted from in-transit disc slippage, attended to said marks and scuffs with a sober squirt of CleanSafe fluid* and the use of my (somewhat careworn!) rotating microfibre cleaning cloth, placed the DVD in the external (top-loading) disc drive, waited for the DVD icon to appear on the desktop, pulled up an open-source, cross-platform media player like VLC or RealPlayer, dragged the icon across and, with the carelessness of young middle age, double-tapped the trackpad.

we would clear the table, wipe the table, dry the table, replace the tablecloth, wipe the tablecloth, dry the tablecloth, wash the dishes, dry the dishes, put away the dishes in the cupboard, wipe the cupboard, dry the cupboard, vacuum any dust resulting from opening the cupboard, wipe the vacuum cleaner, put away the vacuum cleaner in another cupboard, wipe down and dry that cupboard, shower, dry ourselves, wash the towels, dry the towels and sit down on the freshly wiped sofa

Perhaps a lesson to be taken from this iniquitous infringement is to adopt, in one’s own life, a type of script that cannot be easily altered to further the nefarious aims of cunts.