Ayoade on Top

by Richard Ayoade

Goop is the online manifestation of the party into which the Blue-Collar Hero walks; a party where everything is strangely clean, where uptight sophistos sip complex cocktails; a party where an Alpha Yuppie says to the Blue-Collar Hero, ‘Nice boots, did the hobo mind when you stole them?’, forcing the hero to ask the Alpha Yuppie if he wants to repeat that, so the Alpha Yuppie says, ‘Are you deaf as well as dumb?’ while his Beta Yuppie cohorts laugh and high-five in the background, so the Alpha Yuppie modulates his voice into a low hiss and impugns the Blue-Collar Hero’s position in the linear intrasex ranking system with a salty remark about the latter’s mother, whereupon the Blue-Collar Hero puts out his cigarette in the Alpha Yuppie’s complex cocktail, causing the Beta Yuppies to go ‘ooh’ and the Alpha Yuppie to say, ‘Shut up, you chicken shits. Hold my Armani jacket – I don’t want to get blood on it when I break this motherfucker’s nose,’ but as soon as he turns, he’s met with a swift uppercut to his pinstriped chest. The Blue-Collar Hero leans over the Alpha Yuppie’s felled form and says, ‘You talk too much,’ before riding off on his motorbike with the Peach-Skinned Prom Queen and giving her sweet boom-boom on a weirdly clean hay bale, because all these uptight broads basically just want to be shown What’s What by a Real Man with a single strategic smear of bike oil on his vest.