Ayoade on Top

by Richard Ayoade

Sherry asks if Donna is nervous, the implication being that if she too needs to void her bowels, that’s totally cool. Donna flashes a smile that tells us she’s either bunged up or she’s dumped her load. With a knowing wink, Sherry struts to the basin, insouciantly turns on the tap and fixes Donna with a look that says, ‘This is my toilet, and don’t you forget it.’ Donna watches Sherry as if to say, ‘Wow, this dame sure knows her way round a toilet.’ Indeed, Sherry delivers a one-woman tutorial in no-soap handwashing. ‘All you need do’, the implied dialogue goes, ‘is simply rinse off any visible urea and faecal matter before drying.’ For this, Sherry uses a wall-mounted hand dryer. Donna watches in awe. Perhaps she’s never seen one before? Maybe her school was a hand-towels-only affair. But that might be for the good. We all know that flushing a toilet can cause faecal matter to travel up to fifteen feet in the air, but what is less known (aside from who the hell has fifteen feet of air space above their toilet) is that said faecal matter can be sucked up by said hand dryers and turbo’d back onto said hands. Said faecal matter can also lodge itself in garments. That’s why, when I use a public latrine, I leave my jumpsuit in the stall and walk out the way God intended.