Ayoade on Top

by Richard Ayoade

TED: Look, Ma, I know you handle all the sweater-buying round these parts, but this new girl of mine, she only wears things that are far too small for her. TED’S MA: Nonsense, Ted. You can’t wear wool unless it’s loose. Tight wool can drive a person crazy. Plus, you have to allow for shrinkage. TED: She don’t care about no shrinkage, Ma. It looks like everything she’s ever owned has been on a boil wash. I’m serious. She looks like she’s had an unexplained growth spurt. TED’S MA: Well, as far as I’m concerned, it’s Christmas, and Christmas is not the time for restrictive garments, Ted. What’s wrong with loose wool? I thought you said she was tall? TED: She’s twice my size, Ma. It’s like looking up at Mount Rushmore. TED’S MA: So she’s gonna need a large. TED: Don’t you buy her no large, Ma. TED’S MA: I’m telling ya, Ted, if this dame is as tall as you say, anything smaller’s going to be ridiculous! It won’t cover her belly button. TED: That’s the way she likes it, Ma. TED’S MA: What is she, an exotic dancer? TED: No, she’s classy, Ma. She just likes to get a little air around the middle – like everyone who came to prominence in the mid-nineties. Remember back then, Ma? It was all about the midriff. TED’S MA: You kids are crazy.