Twilight (Twilight, #1)

by Stephenie Meyer

“Bella, I couldn’t live with myself if I ever hurt you. You don’t know how it’s tortured me.”

“The thought of you, still, white, cold… to never see you blush scarlet again, to never see that flash of intuition in your eyes when you see through my pretenses… it would be unendurable.” He lifted his glorious, agonized eyes to mine. “You are the most important thing to me now. The most important thing to me ever.”

“And so the lion fell in love with the lamb…,” he murmured. I looked away, hiding my eyes as I thrilled to the word. “What a stupid lamb,” I sighed. “What a sick, masochistic lion.”

“I don’t think I can. I’ve told you, on the one hand, the hunger—the thirst—that, deplorable creature that I am, I feel for you. And I think you can understand that, to an extent. Though”—he half-smiled—“as you are not addicted to any illegal substances, you probably can’t empathize completely. “But…” His fingers touched my lips lightly, making me shiver again. “There are other hungers. Hungers I don’t even understand, that are foreign to me.” “I may understand that better than you think.” “I’m not used to feeling so human. Is it always like this?” “For me?” I paused. “No, never. Never before this.” He held my hands between his. They felt so feeble in his iron strength. “I don’t know how to be close to you,” he admitted. “I don’t know if I can.”

“Bella, I’ve already expended a great deal of personal effort at this point to keep you alive. I’m not about to let you behind the wheel of a vehicle when you can’t even walk straight. Besides, friends don’t let friends drive drunk,” he quoted with a chuckle. I could smell the unbearably sweet fragrance coming off his chest. “Drunk?” I objected. “You’re intoxicated by my very presence.” He was grinning that playful smirk again.

Edward hadn’t moved a fraction of an inch, a carving of Adonis perched on my faded quilt.

“And it will be harder tomorrow,” he continued. “I’ve had the scent of you in my head all day, and I’ve grown amazingly desensitized. If I’m away from you for any length of time, I’ll have to start over again. Not quite from scratch, though, I think.” “Don’t go away, then,” I responded, unable to hide the longing in my voice. “That suits me,” he replied, his face relaxing into a gentle smile. “Bring on the shackles—I’m your prisoner.”

“But jealousy… it’s a strange thing. So much more powerful than I would have thought. And irrational! Just now, when Charlie asked you about that vile Mike Newton…” He shook his head angrily. “I should have known you’d be listening,” I groaned. “Of course.” “That made you feel jealous, though, really?” “I’m new at this; you’re resurrecting the human in me, and everything feels stronger because it’s fresh.”

“There’s no competition.” His teeth gleamed. He drew my trapped hands around his back, holding me to his chest.

“If I was too hasty… if for one second I wasn’t paying enough attention, I could reach out, meaning to touch your face, and crush your skull by mistake. You don’t realize how incredibly breakable you are. I can never, never afford to lose any kind of control when I’m with you.”

“Your human instincts…,” I began. He waited. “Well, do you find me attractive, in that way, at all?” He laughed and lightly rumpled my nearly dry hair. “I may not be a human, but I am a man,” he assured me.

“I love you,” I whispered. “You are my life now,” he answered simply.

“Breakfast time,” he said eventually, casually—to prove, I’m sure, that he remembered all my human frailties. So I clutched my throat with both hands and stared at him with wide eyes. Shock crossed his face. “Kidding!” I snickered. “And you said I couldn’t act!” He frowned in disgust. “That wasn’t funny.” “It was very funny, and you know it.” But I examined his gold eyes carefully, to make sure that I was forgiven. Apparently, I was.

“What would you say to meeting my family?” I gulped. “Are you afraid now?” He sounded hopeful. “Yes,” I admitted; how could I deny it—he could see my eyes. “Don’t worry.” He smirked. “I’ll protect you.” “I’m not afraid of them,” I explained. “I’m afraid they won’t… like me. Won’t they be, well, surprised that you would bring someone… like me… home to meet them? Do they know that I know about them?” “Oh, they already know everything.

Then his eyes were back on me, and he smiled his heartbreaking smile. “And you should introduce me to your father, too, I think.” “He already knows you,” I reminded him. “As your boyfriend, I mean.” I stared at him with suspicion. “Why?” “Isn’t that customary?” he asked innocently. “I don’t know,” I admitted. My dating history gave me few reference points to work with. Not that any normal rules of dating applied here. “That’s not necessary, you know. I don’t expect you to… I mean, you don’t have to pretend for me.” His smile was patient. “I’m not pretending.”

“Will you be?” I asked, suddenly anxious. “Will you really be here?” “As long as you want me,” he assured me. “I’ll always want you,” I warned him. “Forever.”

I ended up in my only skirt—long, khaki-colored, still casual. I put on the dark blue blouse he’d once complimented. A quick glance in the mirror told me my hair was entirely impossible, so I pulled it back into a ponytail.

“I’m decent.” He was waiting at the foot of the stairs, closer than I’d thought, and I bounded right into him. He steadied me, holding me a careful distance away for a few seconds before suddenly pulling me closer. “Wrong again,” he murmured in my ear. “You are utterly indecent—no one should look so tempting, it’s not fair.”

“Look, I’m trying really hard not to think about what I’m about to do, so can we go already?” I asked. “And you’re worried, not because you’re headed to meet a houseful of vampires, but because you think those vampires won’t approve of you, correct?” “That’s right,” I answered immediately, hiding my surprise at his casual use of the word. He shook his head. “You’re incredible.”

“Wow.” “You like it?” He smiled. “It… has a certain charm.” He pulled the end of my ponytail and chuckled. “Ready?” he asked, opening my door. “Not even a little bit—let’s go.”

Esme smiled and stepped forward as well, reaching for my hand. Her cold, stone grasp was just as I expected. “It’s very nice to know you,” she said sincerely. “Thank you. I’m glad to meet you, too.” And I was. It was like meeting a fairy tale—Snow White, in the flesh.

“What’s wrong?” “I’m feeling extremely insignificant.” The music slowed, transforming into something softer, and to my surprise I detected the melody of his lullaby weaving through the profusion of notes. “You inspired this one,” he said softly. The music grew unbearably sweet. I couldn’t speak.

“He wanted to tell me some news—he didn’t know if it was something I would share with you.” “Will you?” “I have to, because I’m going to be a little… overbearingly protective over the next few days—or weeks—and I wouldn’t want you to think I’m naturally a tyrant.” “What’s wrong?” “Nothing’s wrong, exactly. Alice just sees some visitors coming soon. They know we’re here, and they’re curious.” “Visitors?” “Yes… well, they aren’t like us, of course—in their hunting habits, I mean. They probably won’t come into town at all, but I’m certainly not going to let you out of my sight till they’re gone.” I shivered. “Finally, a rational response!” he murmured. “I was beginning to think you had no sense of self-preservation at all.”

“It’s so light… so open.” He was more serious when he answered. “It’s the one place we never have to hide.”

I wasn’t paying attention to my own expression, but something in it made him grow somber. His hand dropped to his side and he stood very still, his eyes intent on my face. The silence lengthened. His features were immobile as stone. “What is it?” I whispered, touching his frozen face. His face softened under my hand, and he sighed. “I keep waiting for it to happen.” “For what to happen?” “I know that at some point, something I tell you or something you see is going to be too much. And then you’ll run away from me, screaming as you go.” He smiled half a smile, but his eyes were serious. “I won’t stop you. I want this to happen, because I want you to be safe. And yet, I want to be with you. The two desires are impossible to reconcile.…” He trailed off, staring at my face. Waiting. “I’m not running anywhere,” I promised.

I turned, and he was looking at me with a peculiar expression in his eyes. “What?” “I was prepared to feel… relieved. Having you know about everything, not needing to keep secrets from you. But I didn’t expect to feel more than that. I like it. It makes me… happy.” He shrugged, smiling slightly. “I’m glad,” I said, smiling back. I’d worried that he might regret telling me these things. It was good to know that wasn’t the case.

“What will we be playing?” I demanded. “You will be watching,” Edward clarified. “We will be playing baseball.” I rolled my eyes. “Vampires like baseball?” “It’s the American pastime,” he said with mock solemnity.

“You take care of my girl, all right?” I groaned, but they ignored me. “She’ll be safe with me, I promise, sir.”

“I infuriate myself,” he said gently. “The way I can’t seem to keep from putting you in danger. My very existence puts you at risk. Sometimes I truly hate myself. I should be stronger, I should be able to—” I placed my hand over his mouth. “Don’t.” He took my hand, moving it from his lips, but holding it to his face. “I love you,” he said. “It’s a poor excuse for what I’m doing, but it’s still true.”

“That’s why I’m so happy that he’s found you, dear.” The endearment sounded very natural on her lips. “He’s been the odd man out for far too long; it’s hurt me to see him alone.” “You don’t mind, then?” I asked, hesitant again. “That I’m… all wrong for him?” “No.” She was thoughtful. “You’re what he wants. It will work out, somehow,”

“You brought a snack?”

Edward was growling something too fast for me to understand, but it sounded a lot like a string of profanities.

“Where are we going?” I asked. No one answered. No one even looked at me. “Dammit, Edward! Where are you taking me?” “We have to get you away from here—far away—now.”

“Turn around! You have to take me home!” I shouted. I struggled with the stupid harness, tearing at the straps. “Emmett,” Edward said grimly. And Emmett secured my hands in his steely grasp. “No! Edward! No, you can’t do this.” “I have to, Bella, now please be quiet.” “I won’t! You have to take me back—Charlie will call the FBI! They’ll be all over your family—Carlisle and Esme! They’ll have to leave, to hide forever!”

Edward turned on her in fury, his voice a blistering snarl. “There—is—no—other—option!” Emmett and I both stared at him in shock, but Alice seemed unsurprised. The silence lasted for a long minute as Edward and Alice stared each other down. I broke it. “Does anyone want to hear my plan?” “No,” Edward growled. Alice glared at him, finally provoked. “Listen,” I pleaded. “You take me back.” “No,” he interrupted. I glared at him and continued. “You take me back. I tell my dad I want to go home to Phoenix. I pack my bags. We wait till this tracker is watching, and then we run. He’ll follow us and leave Charlie alone. Charlie won’t call the FBI on your family. Then you can take me any damned place you want.”

“I demand that you take me home.” I tried to sound firm. Edward pressed his fingers to his temples and squeezed his eyes shut. “Please,” I said in a much smaller voice. He didn’t look up. When he spoke, his voice sounded worn. “You’re leaving tonight, whether the tracker sees or not. You tell Charlie that you can’t stand another minute in Forks. Tell him whatever story works. Pack the first things your hands touch, and then get in your truck. I don’t care what he says to you. You have fifteen minutes. Do you hear me? Fifteen minutes from the time you cross the doorstep.”

“Bella.” Edward’s voice was very soft. Alice and Emmett looked out their windows. “If you let anything happen to yourself—anything at all—I’m holding you personally responsible. Do you understand that?” “Yes,” I gulped.

“I do like him—that’s the problem. I can’t do this anymore! I can’t put down any more roots here! I don’t want to end up trapped in this stupid, boring town like Mom! I’m not going to make the same dumb mistake she did. I hate it—I can’t stay here another minute!” His hand dropped from my arm like I’d electrocuted him. I turned away from his shocked, wounded face and headed for the door. “Bells, you can’t leave now. It’s nighttime,” he whispered behind me. I didn’t turn around. “I’ll sleep in the truck if I get tired.” “Just wait another week,” he pled, still shell-shocked. “Renée will be back by then.”

“I didn’t realize you were still so bored with small-town life,” he said conversationally, and I knew he was trying to distract me. “It seemed like you were adjusting fairly well—especially recently. Maybe I was just flattering myself that I was making life more interesting for you.” “I wasn’t being nice,” I confessed, ignoring his attempt at diversion, looking down at my knees. “That was the same thing my mom said when she left him. You could say I was hitting below the belt.” “Don’t worry. He’ll forgive you.” He smiled a little, though it didn’t touch his eyes. I stared at him desperately, and he saw the naked panic in my eyes. “Bella, it’s going to be all right.” “But it won’t be all right when I’m not with you,” I whispered. “We’ll be together again in a few days,” he said, tightening his arm around me. “Don’t forget that this was your idea.” “It was the best idea—of course it was mine.”

“How can you kill a vampire?” He glanced at me with unreadable eyes and his voice was suddenly harsh. “The only way to be sure is to tear him to shreds, and then burn the pieces.”

Jasper and I looked at each other. He stood across the length of the entryway from me… being careful. “You’re wrong, you know,” he said quietly. “What?” I gasped. “I can feel what you’re feeling now—and you are worth it.” “I’m not,” I mumbled. “If anything happens to them, it will be for nothing.” “You’re wrong,” he repeated, smiling kindly at me.

“You heard what Laurent said.” My voice was just a whisper, but I was sure they could hear me. “He said James was lethal. What if something goes wrong, and they get separated? If something happens to any of them, Carlisle, Emmett… Edward…” I gulped. “If that wild female hurts Esme…” My voice had grown higher, a note of hysteria beginning to rise in it. “How could I live with myself when it’s my fault? None of you should be risking yourselves for me—”

“Our family is strong. Our only fear is losing you.”

“It’s been almost a century that Edward’s been alone. Now he’s found you. You can’t see the changes that we see, we who have been with him for so long. Do you think any of us want to look into his eyes for the next hundred years if he loses you?”

“I miss you,” I whispered. “I know, Bella. Believe me, I know. It’s like you’ve taken half my self away with you.” “Come and get it, then,” I challenged. “Soon, as soon as I possibly can. I will make you safe first.” His voice was hard. “I love you,” I reminded him. “Could you believe that, despite everything I’ve put you through, I love you, too?” “Yes, I can, actually.” “I’ll come for you soon.” “I’ll be waiting.”

“It’s a ballet studio,” I said, suddenly recognizing the familiar shapes. They looked at me, surprised. “Do you know this room?”

“Edward,” I wrote. My hand was shaking, the letters were hardly legible. I love you. I am so sorry. He has my mom, and I have to try. I know it may not work. I am so very, very sorry. Don’t be angry with Alice and Jasper. If I get away from them it will be a miracle. Tell them thank you for me. Alice especially, please. And please, please don’t come after him. That’s what he wants, I think. I can’t bear it if anyone has to be hurt because of me, especially you. Please, this is the only thing I can ask you now. For me. I love you. Forgive me. Bella.

I folded the letter carefully, and sealed it in the envelope. Eventually he would find it. I only hoped he would understand, and listen to me just this once. And then I carefully sealed away my heart.

suppose you’re going to tell me that your boyfriend will avenge you?” he asked, hopefully it seemed to me. “No, I don’t think so. At least, I asked him not to.” “And what was his reply to that?” “I don’t know.” It was strangely easy to converse with this genteel hunter. “I left him a letter.” “How romantic, a last letter. And do you think he will honor it?” His voice was just a little harder now, a hint of sarcasm marring his polite tone. “I hope so.”

I heard the happiest sound my mind could conjure up—as beautiful, as uplifting, as it was ghastly. It was another snarl; a deeper, wilder roar that rang with fury.