Eleanor Oliphant Is Completely Fine

by Gail Honeyman

Apart from Social Work and the utility companies, sometimes a representative from one church or another will call round to ask if I’ve welcomed Jesus into my life. They don’t tend to enjoy debating the concept of proselytizing, I’ve found, which is disappointing.

I’m confident that it is perfectly normal to talk to oneself occasionally. It’s not as though I’m expecting a reply. I’m fully aware that Polly is a houseplant.

but I did not wish to

disturb him. I was only there to see where he lived,

sometimes there were sandwiches, or, more rarely, tolerable companions.

Oh, Mr. Tesco, I simply cannot resist your marvelous bargains.

@eloliph A Tesco Club Card is a thing of beauty and a joy forever. You should DEFINITELY sign up for one. A Concerned Friend xx @johnnieLrocks Tesco: stop pushing Big Brother spy-slash-loyalty card on here. It like living in a police state, yo #hungover #leavemealone #fightthepower

I’m not sure I’d like to be burned. I think I might like to be fed to zoo animals. It would be both environmentally friendly and a lovely treat for the larger carnivores. Could you request that? I wondered. I made a mental note to write to the WWF in order to find out.

Another bad sign—someone or something had turned vodka into water.