Jeremy Hardy Speaks Volumes: Words, Wit, Wisdom, One-Liners and Rants

by Jeremy Hardy

But trying to predetermine the sex of an infant is controversial. You should remember that babies are born sightless and covered in fur, and do not develop a gender until they are seven or eight years old. It is vital that you let the child determine her own sex at her own pace. Conditioning is very influential so clothes will affect the outcome. In the past, parents disappointed by the sex of their offspring have sometimes dressed children in the clothes of the sex they wanted. I was the fifth child and what my parents really wanted was a holiday, so they dressed me as a caravan until I was eleven.

The IQ, or Intelligence Quotient, was invented in order that people with no other redeeming features could have something to feel proud of.

If there’s one thing that unites this land it’s our indefatigable and chipper resignation about the absolute shitness of life. And I’m proud to say that.

I always find it a bit worrying if someone’s got a bag of excrement and no dog. ‘Yeah, I just like the accessories.’

‘Well. How do we live life to the full? At the age of forty-three, I have decided to live each day as though it were my last, so I lie in bed all day, slipping in and out of consciousness.’

Generally, most of us don’t want to die. Even if we say we do. ‘I wish I was dead’ is a terrible thing to say – because it’s ‘I wish I were dead’ – conditional tense. I’m sorry but someone’s got to uphold these standards. *