Fleabag: The Scriptures

by Phoebe Waller-Bridge

Fleabag and BUS RODENT are getting off at the same stop. They do a little awkward laugh at each other. They stand next to each other. BUS RODENT (giggly) Wow … Um. This doesn’t happen very often, does it? FLEABAG (really giggly) Nooo no … I er – I suppose it’s … I suppose it’s quite rare, yeah. (to camera) I hate myself.

Hurt and furious, Harry manically starts packing again. HARRY Don’t say anything. She doesn’t. HARRY Please don’t stop me leaving. She doesn’t move. HARRY (angrily) Please don’t. FLEABAG Ok. HARRY DON’T!

Fleabag runs down the stairs hurriedly and takes a seat next to a serious, well-dressed woman – CLAIRE. FLEABAG (to camera) My sister. She’s uptight and beautiful and probably anorexic, but clothes look awesome on her so …

FLEABAG I had to do a flash poo in Pret. CLAIRE Ugh Christ, did you wash your hands? FLEABAG (wiping her hand on Claire’s face) Course not.

FLEABAG (whispering, to camera) Shit. (she glances at Claire) I’m wearing the top that she ‘lost’ years ago. So. This is gonna be tense.

FLEABAG Hair looks nice. CLAIRE Fuck off.

FLEABAG (to camera) I’m just gonna ask her. (beat) I’m just gonna ask her. (beat) I’m just gonna ask her. I’m just gonna come— CLAIRE Do you need to borrow money? FLEABAG (petulant) NO. (to camera) Can’t do it. Can’t do it. Can’t do it.

CLAIRE God. Just don’t get drunk and scream through his letter box again. FLEABAG Wow, thanks for the vote of confidence. Don’t get drunk and shit in your sink again. CLAIRE (flipping out) When are you going to stop bringing that up? FLEABAG (laughing) When you do something better!

LECTURER (CONT’D) So, I pose the question to the women in this room today: Please raise your hands, if you would trade five years of your life for the so-called ‘perfect body’? Fleabag and Claire raise their hands instinctively. Everyone stares at them. They put their hands down guiltily.

CLAIRE What?! It was a fucking hug. FLEABAG Well why the fuck did you do that – that was terrifying! Never do that again.

BUS RODENT (this speech was improvised by Jamie Demetriou) Yeah my sister blows glass. She has done for a long time. The other thing – I’ve never like, been in a fight, well I’ve been in a fight, I’ve never been punched in the face – you know what I mean? I’ve been punched in the leg. And someone once threw some punch in my face. So, my colours this season are sort of brown, mainly, but like, you know, I wouldn’t say no to a, to a maroon. I wouldn’t like, jump down the throat of someone wearing something blue, it’s just not for me.

jamie demetriou my beloved

DRUNK GIRL Aw. (beat) You’re such a lovely man. Fleabag looks at the camera.

Oh fuck it. I have a horrible feeling that I am a greedy, perverted, selfish, apathetic, cynical, depraved, morally bankrupt woman who can’t even call herself a feminist.

FLEABAG (to camera) To be fair. She’s not an evil stepmother. (beat) She’s just a cunt.

Fleabag sees a small sculpture of a female legs and torso with large breasts but no arms. FLEABAG Poor fucker. GODMOTHER Yes. She’s actually an expression of how women are subtle warriors … strong at heart. You know, we don’t have to use muscular force to get what we want. We just need to use our— FLEABAG Tits. GODMOTHER Innate femininity.

She pulls out the little sculpture of the woman with no arms from her trousers. It sits on her lap. Two women. One real. One not. Both with their innate femininity out. She looks at the camera and smiles.

At each break in the music each person breaks into a brief, but eviscerating, sob before snapping back to their usual expressionless face. Just as we hit the climax of the music, it cuts out. Fleabag looks sideways at the camera. FLEABAG (to camera) I think my period’s coming.

HARRY You’re not like other girls … you can (taps his temple) keep up.

FLEABAG Gotta think about all the people I can have sex with now. (beat) I’m not obsessed with sex. (beat) I just can’t stop thinking about it. (beat) The performance of it. The awkwardness of it, the drama of it. The moment you realise someone wants your body … Not so much the feeling of it.

She reaches for some cheese sandwiches wrapped in clingfilm. FLEABAG That’ll be … um … £12.55, please. The man frowns. FLEABAG (explaining) London.

FLEABAG (to camera) The next man who walks in here is getting ridden to death. The bell dings. Her dad walks in. FLEABAG Dad? DAD Hi. FLEABAG (to camera) Not ideal.

Fleabag looks at the same picture on the wall. She misses Boo. She snaps out of it.

HARRY I’ve hidden our vibrators. FLEABAG (to camera) ‘Our.’ HARRY I thought it would be fun. FLEABAG To find them?

CLAIRE How behind are you? If it’s money that you need— FLEABAG I don’t need money. (hands Claire sandwich) That’ll be £25 please.

Fleabag is both horrified she has scared him so much and in a fit of hysterical laughter. She tries to tear off the t-shirt-mask. FLEABAG It’s me! It’s me! It’s me! Harry continues to scream. He is in a proper panic. The shower is still running. She climbs in to hold him. HARRY Why would you DO THAT?! I THOUGHT I WAS GOING TO GET RAPED. FLEABAG (can’t help her laughter) I’m so sorry! I’m sor— baby I’m sorry, I thought you wanted a surprise. It was a ninja surprise …

HARRY Don’t make me hate you. Loving you is painful enough.

FLEABAG (to camera) He’s going to write that down. Beat He can’t help but write it down. He hates himself.

CLAIRE God, I can’t wait to be old. FLEABAG If it’s any consolation you look older than you are.

CLAIRE You come here every day? Fleabag shrugs slightly.

She looks again at the penetrable vagina he is suggesting she might need. She decides to try some intelligent banter. FLEABAG Ah I’ve already got one. BUS RODENT (not getting it) Really … you – you’ve got one? FLEABAG I take it with me everywhere. BUS RODENT No you lie! You do not have one on you now …?

god this scene in the show makes me GIGGLE

FLEABAG (CONT’D) Do you know what the lesbian app for Grindr is called? Claire doesn’t respond. FLEABAG (CONT’D) Twat-nav. CLAIRE (bursting into tears) DON’T MAKE THIS FUN.

CLAIRE I know I seem mental, but I’m fine. FLEABAG Ok … CLAIRE I just – I just sometimes need – need you not to— FLEABAG To take the piss- CLAIRE DON’T FINISH MY SENTENCES – take the piss— FLEABAG Out of you when you’re— CLAIRE YOU DON’T ALWAYS KNOW WHAT I’M GOING TO SAY Ok? FLEABAG Sorry.

FLEABAG What’s that for? CLAIRE My neck and chest. FLEABAG What’s that for? CLAIRE My legs and knees. FLEABAG What’s that for? CLAIRE The ends of my hair. FLEABAG What’s that? CLAIRE For my under-eyes. What’s that? FLEABAG That is for my face and body. What would you do if someone stole all those? CLAIRE I’d kill myself.

i adore her

FLEABAG I’ve always been insecure about my face. You know that. BOO I know, you shouldn’t! FLEABAG Thank you but— BOO No seriously! There’s nothing wrong with your nose!

BANK MANAGER I want to move back home, I want to hug my wife, I want to protect my children, protect my daughter, I want to move on, I want to apologise to … everyone, I want to go to the theatre, I want to take clean cups out of the dishwasher … and put them in the cupboard … At home. And the next morning I want to watch my wife drink from them. And I want to make her feel good. I want to make her orgasm again. And again. Truly.

DAD (CONT’D) You are … my … daughters. They both nod. FLEABAG/CLAIRE Yep / Yes we are.

DAD (quickly) To Margaret. Beat. Godmother is visibly jealous. She can’t bear it when he says her name.

FLEABAG (to camera) He hates being in a room alone with me. Watch this. (to Dad) Hi. He turns around and immediately panics, bending his legs a little and moving quite a lot.

It’s really all that humans want. Is to be loved. And to be touched.

BOO Why would they do that? FLEABAG Apparently he liked it when their eyes popped out. BOO (genuinely upset for the boy) No! Why would they send him away?! He needs help!

BOO And anyway. That’s the very reason why they put rubbers on the end of pencils. FLEABAG What, to fuck hamsters? BOO No, because people make mistakes.

GODMOTHER (CONT’D) In fact her brutal snatching made me think of all the women of the world who have been robbed of their freedom, of their happiness and, in the saddest of cases, of their bodies. So in many ways, I have to thank the thief, for creating my most profound piece of work to date. A Woman Robbed. The crowd applaud lightly in a very British way. So impressed and moved. Fleabag looks around, annoyed.

you just kept turning up like this sexy … plank

FLEABAG (to camera) This is a love story.

MARTIN HEEEEEY! FLEABAG (to camera) Ugh.

Dad and Godmother laugh happily. Everyone laughs happily. Fleabag looks to camera. Ugh.

CLAIRE (spiky) You look well, where have you been? FLEABAG Boots. Lovely there this time of year. Claire is not amused.

GODMOTHER (about Priest) Now the most FASCINATING thing about Father here is that his mother was originally a lesbia—

FLEABAG (to camera) No one’s asked me a question in forty-five min— PRIEST (to Fleabag) So what do you do?

CLAIRE (taking a bite) This sauce is disgusting. The Needy Waitress appears. NEEDY WAITRESS Is everything Ok? CLAIRE Delicious thank you!