Why Are We Yelling?: The Art of Productive Disagreement

by Buster Benson

THE VOICE OF AVOIDANCE “The only winning move is not to play.” “I would prefer not to.” “Leave me out of it.” When I share my fascination with arguments and disagreement with people, one of the most common responses I get is that they prefer to avoid arguments whenever possible. If you relate, you are not alone. In fact, you are likely a member of a quiet majority—often also known as the way of the conflict avoider. That term may have positive or negative connotations for you, but for now, let’s talk about it as a neutral description of a quiet but effective strategy that we all employ to a certain extent. Conflict avoiders have identified flaws in the voices of power and reason and so have chosen to address conflicts by simply refusing to participate in them in the first place. “Let others fight if they want to, but as for me, no thanks!” You see someone being unprofessional at work but don’t say anything. You dislike the way your partner folds the towels but don’t say anything. Your racist relative speaks up at the holiday dinner, but rather than shut him up or attempt to reason with him, you pretend you didn’t hear it. You don’t like either politician running, so you don’t vote. When all the choices seem flawed, the voice of avoidance can speak loudly—telling you that you can stay quiet. And in cases where all the options seem equally bad, this may seem like the only sane choice to make.