Why Are We Yelling?: The Art of Productive Disagreement

by Buster Benson

Dr. John Gottman says that a relationship without conflict is a relationship without communication and is bound to fail.

Surprising truth: people are happier, and groups are higher-functioning, when the flow of necessary disagreements is open and they have an honest chance to be heard.

We can really change only two things: our own minds and our own behavior.

Sometimes our attempts to change minds can actually have the opposite effect, making people dig in their heels even deeper in their current belief. It’s called the backfire effect.

We have a tendency to continue to maintain old perspectives even after we’ve “decided” to change our mind. That’s called the continued influence effect,

Arguments don’t end, because they have long, long roots. They might disappear from the surface of reality, but they’re just hiding.

Truth 1: Arguments aren’t bad. They’re signposts to issues that need our attention. Truth 2: Arguments aren’t about changing minds. They are about bringing minds together. Truth 3: Arguments don’t end. They have deep roots and will pop back up again and again, asking us to engage with them.

A productive disagreement yields fruit: the fruit of security, by removing a threat, reducing a risk, resulting in a deal, or concluding with a decision; the fruit of growth, by revealing new information about the world or each other that makes us see and understand reality more deeply; the fruit of connection, by bringing us together and giving us opportunities to forge trust with one another; and the fruit of enjoyment, by teaching us to operate with a collaborative mind-set that emphasizes playfulness, adventure, fun, and sometimes even awe.