Why Are We Yelling?: The Art of Productive Disagreement

by Buster Benson

The biggest change I’ve noticed in myself, and which I hope readers of this book will experience as well, is the gentle lifting of the burden to fight every battle—not because you are dissociating from the world’s problems or avoiding them, but because of the slow dawning of the idea that there’s more to disagreement than who is right, and that in many cases the places we speak from are more complicated than a simple policy position or belief statement reveals. Accepting reality over certainty often feels like a more anxious position to take, but I’ve actually found the reverse. When we allow complexities and uncertainties into our narrative, that feeling of being absolutely certain that we’re right, and baffled about how the other side could be so wrong, goes away. Instead of leaping into battle, we have to assume that others are as complicated as we are, and then we can start from a position of curiosity (“Why did you choose not to vaccinate your kids?”) instead of a position of self-righteousness (“You terrible person!”).