Loveless

by Alice Oseman

I didn’t really understand why everyone was in love with Timothée Chalamet.

What I’ve been saying

He was more of an abstract concept – he was hot, and he was my crush, and nothing was going to happen between us, and I was perfectly fine with that.

The thought of actually following through on the crush made me feel extremely nervous.

‘God, I am sad, gay and alone.’

It be like that sometimes

I loved romance. Always had. I loved Disney (especially the under-appreciated masterpiece that is The Princess and the Frog). I loved fanfiction (even fanfics for characters I knew nothing about, but Draco/Harry or Korra/Asami were my comfort reads).

Like the main guy from Moulin Rouge, who runs away to Paris to write stories about truth, freedom, beauty and love, even though he should probably be thinking about getting a job so he can actually afford to buy food. Yeah. Definitely me.

‘You’ve got to admit it’s weird to have got to eighteen without having kissed anyone.’ ‘That’s rich coming from a guy who admitted to having a wank over the princesses in Shrek 3.’

Men

hadn’t realised. I hadn’t realised how behind I was. I’d spent so much time thinking that my one true love would just show up one day. I had been wrong. I had been so, so wrong. Everyone else was growing up, kissing, having sex, falling in love, and I was just …

Felipa Quintana Sexcuse me buts where are you Haha sex I said sex accidentally And BUTS Haha butts

This girl

Now that he was so close, I was struggling to even see what exactly I’d been attracted to for seven years. I could tell that he was conventionally attractive, like you can tell pop stars or actors are attractive, but nothing about him really made me feel butterflies. Did I know what butterflies felt like? What exactly was I supposed to be feeling right now?

Quiet girls are nice.’ What was that even supposed to mean? Was he being creepy?

‘It’s OK,’ he said. ‘I know you haven’t kissed anyone before.’ The way he said it was like he was talking to a newborn puppy. ‘OK,’ I said. It irritated me. He was irritating me.

‘Hey, look,’ he said, a pitying smile on his face. ‘Everyone has a first kiss eventually. It doesn’t mean anything. It’s OK to be new at, like, romance and all that.’ New at romance? I wanted to laugh. I’d been studying romance like an academic. Like an obsessive researcher. Romance would be my Mastermind topic. ‘Yeah,’ I said.

‘Georgia …’ Tommy leant in close, and then it hit me. The disgust. A wave of absolute, unbridled disgust. He was so close I felt like I wanted to scream, I wanted to smash a glass and throw up at the same time.

Been there

‘It’s OK to be nervous,’ he said. ‘It’s kind of cute, actually.’ ‘I’m not nervous,’ I said. I was disgusted by the thought of him near me. Wanting things from me. That wasn’t normal, was it? He put his hand on my thigh. And that’s when I flinched, shoving his hand away and sending his drink toppling off the side of the chair, and he swung forwards to grab it and fell out of his seat. Right into the firepit.

Apparently, I hadn’t ever fancied anyone.

I’ve recently come to realize this too

‘I never liked him,’ I said in the car as we pulled up outside Pip’s house and I cut the engine. Pip was next to me. Jason was in the back. ‘Seven years and I just lied to myself the whole time.’

My over year long relationship

‘I’ve never had a crush on anyone in my entire life,’ I said. It was all sinking in. I’d never had a crush on anyone. No boys, no girls, not a single person I had ever met.

Only fictional characters I fear

‘Well, s’fine. S’fine, man. You know you’ll find someone –’ ‘Don’t say it,’ I said. ‘Please do not say it.’

UGHH

‘You know, the idea – the idea of it is nice. The idea of liking Tommy and kissing Tommy and having some cute little moment by the fire after prom. That’s so nice. That’s what I wanted.’ I felt myself clench the steering wheel. ‘But the reality disgusts me.’

Mum had said, in an attempt to cheer me up, ‘you might find a lovely young man on your course!’ ‘Maybe,’ I said. Or a lovely young woman. God, anybody. Please. I’m desperate.

My running theory was that my shyness and introversion were linked to my whole ‘never fancying anyone’ situation – maybe I just didn’t talk to enough people, or maybe people just stressed me out in general, and that was why I’d never wanted to kiss anyone. If I just improved my confidence, tried to be a bit more open and sociable, I’d be able to do and feel those things, like most people.

My thoughts before finding out and accepting being aroace

A wave of panic flooded through me. I couldn’t have a roommate – hardly anyone in the UK had roommates at uni. I needed my own space. How was I supposed to sleep or read fanfic or get dressed or do anything with someone else in the room? How was I supposed to relax when I had to socialise with another person every moment I was awake?

Me

Mum didn’t even seem to notice I was panicking. She just said, ‘Well, let’s get cracking, then,’ and opened the door for me.

Moms

Please don’t leave me here alone, I wanted to say. ‘Yeah,’ is what I said.