Kindle Notes & Highlights
desiring close friendship – and even being hurt when facing trials in our friendships – is normal and good, and that it has nothing to do with our sexuality but all to do with our humanity.
Wives who cite their husband’s ‘emotional unavailability’ as the primary cause of divorce initiate two out of every three divorces today.
Both young girls and boys desire and need safety and closeness. It’s not something we learn; it’s something we are born with. And babies and children are pretty good at expressing their need for it. But we all know that if you don’t practise a skill, you may lose it. So it is with our ability to give and receive comfort.
I know that just seeking help elsewhere is easier than opening my heart to a ‘best friend’ and being rejected. I would rather believe that the friendship is perfect and not ask for comfort, because I know that asking for it might reveal that the friendship isn’t as solid as I imagined.
And to all the married men out there: I do hope you receive closeness and support from not only your wife but also from your mates. If you’re relying only on her for closeness, you’re placing a burden on her that she should not and cannot carry alone. So do her and yourself a favour, and make sure you have a friendship that allows you to find comfort and closeness.
‘The cultural expectations of a man are impossible to reach. If you try to reach them, you’ll always find yourself falling short.’
You don’t need to prove anything. You don’t need to prove to other men, to your wife, to your children or anyone that you’re a man. You simply are.
Superman might be cool, but he’s not a good role model when it comes to building worthwhile relationships.
if we let popular culture set the standards for our friendships, we won’t attain many meaningful ones.
emotional awareness and the desire for close friendships is a human quality, not a feminine one.
You simply can’t have a close, growing relationship with anyone without spending time together. You can’t enjoy the ongoing depth and closeness of a relationship without commitment.
there’s no emotional intimacy in their friendship. No depth, no turbulence. No turbulence, and a friendship might last a lifetime (just like a car that never gets driven).
remember that long-lasting friendships aren’t necessarily healthy ones.
Some also say men are only interested in doing things together, and not in simply being together. This statement is offensive towards men, to be honest. If a man cannot connect with someone unless he’s doing something, he really needs help.
Men are fully capable of connecting deeply with other people – some just need to relearn how to do it.
Stephanie Coontz, an historian … blames the decline of social connectedness on our twentieth-century notions of romantic love in marriage where a partner is expected to fulfill all one’s emotional and social needs. She also adds that only in the twentieth century (and early twenty-first century), under the influence of Freudianism, have we found ourselves increasingly ‘suspicious’ of same-sex relationships and focused exclusively on romantic partnerships. These patterns may indeed help to explain the patterns of loss in boys’ friendships.6
Our culture puts romantic love on a pedestal, which is unhealthy. I’m not saying that romantic love is bad – not at all. It’s beautiful. But it’s good to grasp the one and not let go of the other
Your friends want to know you, not anyone you’re pretending to be.
The reason men’s friendships can feel shallow is a lack of emotional intimacy. So if you want your friendships to get deep, then you need to start sharing. Share your fears, insecurities and weaknesses – allow yourself to be vulnerable in front of your brother. Authenticity doesn’t mean that you need to talk about how you feel at all times. But it means that you allow yourself to be truly seen by another person. Hopefully, the more real you dare to be, the more real your friend will dare to be as well.
If someone has been told their whole life not to be real, sensitive or to need someone, it’ll take more than one conversation for them to turn that belief around.
The point is not that we all should ride jetskis. The point is it’s good for a relationship to set out for adventures (whatever they look like).
‘Show me your friends and I’ll show you your future.’
When was the last time you asked your bro about his dreams? Do you know what his dreams are? How can you help him succeed? And are you willing to sacrifice time and energy to help your bro’s dreams and goals come true?
When growing up, we all needed female and male love – and I don’t believe that our need for both stops as we grow older.
no, I’m not talking about co-dependency. That’s a whole other topic. I’m talking about interdependency, a healthy, necessary way of needing people. You simply can’t have deep, intimate friendships with someone without allowing yourself to need them.
I want the boys in my life to feel better about themselves when they’re with me, not the opposite.
I’ve also heard guys say, ‘I can always count on him! He’ll always be there for me.’ It’s nice hearing them say this so boldly, but often I find that lots of men say they can count on each other but rarely do. It’s like having a car that you never use – so you never know if it’s working. You can shout from the mountaintop that you’ve got the closest friendship ever, but if the evidence doesn’t back that up, it’s simply just a wishful dream.
If you want a friendship for more than one season of life, you’ll have to fight for it.
(As Aristotle said, ‘He who has many friends has none.’)
As a father, you’re your kid’s greatest role model. If you value friendship, the chance is high that your child does as well.
Every friendship is different This point is very important. We have to approach every friendship differently, because there are different people involved. Don’t try to fit all your friendships into the same box; you’ll end up suffocating some of them. They will feel forced and unnatural.
If we openly talk about our expectations with our friend, we’re setting ourselves up for a win.
