I, Claudius (Claudius, #1)

by Robert Graves

He then suddenly remembered that he had been called a bald-headed madame—his hair was certainly very thin on top now—and shouted out, “How dare you go about with a great ugly bush of hair in my presence? It’s blasphemy.” He turned to his German guard, “Cut his head off!” Once more I thought I was done for. But I had the presence of mind to say sharply to the Guard who was running at me with his sword, “What are you doing, idiot? The God didn’t say ‘head’, he said ‘hair’! Run off and fetch the shears at once!” Caligula was taken aback and perhaps really thought that he had said “hair”. He allowed the German to fetch the shears. My crown was shorn clean. I asked permission to dedicate the clippings to his Deity and he graciously gave consent. So now he had everyone in the Palace shorn, except the Germans. When it came to Cassius’s turn Caligula said, “Oh, what a pity! Those darling little ringlets that the Sergeant loves so much!”