Love Your Enemies: How Decent People Can Save America from the Culture of Contempt

by Arthur C. Brooks

Worse than being just unfair, such a belief is too often based in rank ignorance. How many times have you heard a conservative pundit say that Democrats want to keep poor people dependent on the government to keep them voting Democratic? Or a liberal pundit say that Republican tax policies are all about helping Republicans’ wealthy friends? The truth is that highly partisan conservatives and liberals are shockingly clueless about the other side—about their motives and everything else. One 2018 study from the Journal of Politics has revealed that the average Democrat believes that more than 40 percent of Republicans earn over $250,000 per year, when in fact just 2.2 percent do.13 And Republicans believe that nearly 40 percent of Democrats are gay or lesbian, when just over 6 percent are.

Ask yourself this question before you engage in disagreement: Am I using my values as a gift or as a weapon? Values are supposed to be positive. Even if people disagree with them, they aren’t supposed to harm others. We can’t beat someone over the head with charity, for example. If we do, it’s no longer charity. It’s impossible to maintain the moral content of our values and use them as a weapon at the same time.

For example, let’s say you are a pro-lifer on the abortion issue. If you go to people who are pro-choice and call them baby-killers, you’re weaponizing your values and thus neutralizing their moral content. Perhaps you are pro-life because you believe life is a gift from God and think it’s morally wrong to throw it away. However, if you call someone who disagrees with you a baby-killer, you haven’t told the person who disagrees with you that life is a beautiful thing; you’ve called your opponent a murderer. You’ve hardened that person’s opposition and neutralized the moral content of your own argument. Plus, you are almost certainly going to stimulate the boomerang effect, making that person even more vociferously pro-choice.

When either side uses those values to attack the other side, they neutralize the moral content of their argument and alienate potential allies. The next time you are about to engage in disagreement over a contentious issue, ask yourself a question: Am I about to use my values as a gift, or as a weapon to attack the other side? If you are about to use them as a weapon, stop. Find a way to use your values as a gift instead.

Today, it seems, persuasion is out the window. Elections have become base mobilization exercises, with both Republicans and Democrats competing to see who can energize their base more by throwing red meat into the crowd and insulting the other side. Whichever side is more worked up and angry on Election Day wins—or so the conventional wisdom has it. This is an inherently unstable model for our democracy. Instead of swinging, the political pendulum careens violently back and forth as each side seeks to out-outrage the other. As a result, between elections, nothing gets done because both sides have such contempt for each other. The losing side seeks to stop any progress until they can win back power in the next election. Then the other side does the same. And on it goes. It has gotten so bad that many good politicians increasingly believe they have no choice but to insult the other side or get out of politics.

That is what America desperately needs today. As Robby George and Cornel West put it in their joint statement: “The maintenance of a free and democratic society require[s] the cultivation and practice of the virtues of intellectual humility, openness of mind, and, above all, love of truth. . . . Even if one happens to be right about this or that disputed matter, seriously and respectfully engaging people who disagree will deepen one’s understanding of the truth and sharpen one’s ability to defend it. . . . All of us should seek respectfully to engage with people who challenge our views.”

We all need a friendship like that—a friendship that builds us up by challenging us to become wiser, kinder, and more thoughtful people. So find your Robby, your Cornel, or your Frank. Embrace better, not less, disagreement. Don’t assume people’s motives, never attack or insult anyone, and remember to share your values as a gift, not a weapon. Because in addition to improving our nation, following these rules of disagreement will give you a fighting chance to one day call someone you disagree with Brother or Sister. It will give you the joy that comes only from perfect friendship.

You might note that the title of this book is actually a bit misleading. The problem I address is that we are constantly hearing that those who disagree with us are our enemies, and many Americans have begun to believe this. But in reality, these aren’t my enemies at all; rather, they are simply people with whom I disagree.

Stand up to people on your own side who trash people on the other side. It’s never easy to stand up to our own friends, but contempt is destructive no matter who expresses it. You don’t have to be a jerk about it. Simply be the person who gently defends those who aren’t represented, even if you disagree with them. Will you get invited to fewer parties, have fewer followers on social media, and hear less gossip? Probably. But you know it’s the right thing to do. And you will feel great.

never treat others with contempt, even if you believe they deserve it.

Disagreement is good because competition is good.

Disagreement helps us innovate, improve, correct, and find the truth.

The single biggest way a subversive can change America is not by disagreeing less, but by disagreeing better—engaging in earnest debate while still treating everyone with love and respect.