The Sword of Kaigen

by M.L. Wang

She would let a fonyaka pull her life from her mouth, she would give her soul a thousand times over, if she could just bring Mamoru’s back.

“See, Mamoru, there were certainly people in those stories who knew what they were fighting for, heroes who were noble and strong-willed, and worth remembering... like you. But I wasn’t one of them. Sirawu was just that. A shadow. It was someone else’s story and I was just passing through it. This... you are my story... and I was so selfish, so tied to that shadow that I missed it. And my son, I— I’m so sorry it took me this long to understand. I’m sorry—” the words caught in her throat, choking her, until pain shot through her chest, forcing her to let them out. “I never loved you the way I should have.”

“The thing is... you’re more important than all of them. So, what I couldn’t do for my parents, or Robin, or Takeru, or my unborn babies, I’ll do it for you. My son, I’ll do it for you. You’ve done more in this world than anyone could have asked. This once, let me be the mother I should have been from the beginning. Let me take care of the rest, alright?”

“I know I have no right to ask anything of you, but please... if your poor, stupid mother can ask one last thing of you... let me hold you one more time. Just one more time, you’re going to let Kaa-chan hold you and treasure you the way I should have the day you were born. Then I’m going to let you go on with all my blessings. Is that alright?”

The best Misaki could do was hold her baby, and love him, and love him, and hope it was enough that she could let him go.

“You have no debt to pay the Duna.” She murmured, resting her cheek against his cold head. “It is enough that, even for a moment, I had a son like you. It is enough that Hiroshi, Nagasa, and Izumo will have a brother like you to look up to as they become young men themselves. It is enough,”

For a moment, her hands had been full of pearls. She rocked and repeated, “It is enough. “It is enough. “It is enough. “It is enough,” until Chiba Mizuiro returned with a group of volunteers to help her carry the body up the mountain.

this Ranganese stranger wasn’t the one who really needed forgiving.

She ignored the little voice in her head that demanded to know why Mamoru couldn’t have gone up the mountain with his father. Why hadn’t Takeru insisted on it? How could he have left his own son to die without argument? How?

It was good to know that one of the men in her life cared that Mamoru was gone.

“That’s my son.” There was no protest in his tone, but there was something. Misaki had to believe there was something. There was no way he could allow this…

“You are not well,” he said. “Rest.” Then he left, as he had the day of Misaki’s first miscarriage, as he always did. She watched him go, wishing he had hit her.

“I know,” he said apologetically, “but I’m being serious.” “You shouldn’t get involved in another lord’s marriage.” “I know,” Kazu said resolutely, “but you say the word and I will.”

It’s funny; I thought I would never need it. I thought surely Matsuda Takeru, the greatest swordsman in Shirojima, would be powerful enough to protect his own family without his wife taking up arms. I guess I was wrong.”

“I protected Setsuko and the children.” Misaki felt her face twist into a snarl of rage. “Five people were here in the house with me when the Ranganese broke down the doors, and all of them are with us now.” Her snarl turned predatory and she felt the need for blood in her teeth. “One of our sons was with you. Just one. And where is he now?”

“I left everything behind to marry you! I have been an obedient wife, I have borne you children, I have done everything that was asked of me, so why did this happen? Why is my son gone?” Misaki finished, breathless, feeling like she could fall into a thousand pieces, like she could eat the world. She was ready to fight.

“He isn’t here anymore. Neither is Colonel Song, or your father. You’re all out of people to hide behind. I married you, I had a son with you, and you left him on the frontlines to die when you had a chance to save him. Takashi is not going to answer for his death. You are.”

“You lost your right to my obedience when you stopped being a man!”

For so many years, Takeru’s silence had infuriated her. Now, he was speaking freely and she would have given anything to have him stop.

“I wish I could explain it—My brother was my shelter in all things. His death left me shaken, flayed, like nerve and muscle exposed to the air.”

“It’s...” It’s alright, she meant to say, I forgive you, but she couldn’t. Even now, part of her was still too prideful. Too cruel.

“What are you?” Takeru whispered. Something bigger than myself, she realized. “I’m Matsuda Misaki,” she said with pride and honesty she never attached to those words before. “I’m your wife.” And she attacked him.