Disgrace

by Brittainy C. Cherry

“Someday, somewhere—anywhere, unfailingly, you’ll find yourself, and that, and only that, can be the happiest or bitterest hour of your life.”

“But you were my person, not his. You were my best friend.”

“You don’t have to do that.” “Do what?” “Laugh when nothing’s funny.” “Yes, I do, because otherwise…”

“I’m sorry,” he said, his voice deep and smooth. “For calling you a hot mess when I met you.” “Don’t be. It’s true, after all. I am a hot mess.” “Everyone’s a hot mess,” he insisted. “Some people are just better at hiding it.”

“I’m Jackson Paul Emery,” he calmly stated, locking his stare with mine. “I can’t whistle, but I can do three backflips in a row. I got my car skills from my dad and my art skills from my mother. Last summer, I ate twenty-five hot dogs in a row like a professional badass. Alex recorded the whole thing. I can make the best shrimp fried rice, and—”

“What are you doing?” I asked. “Telling you about myself.” “Yeah. But…why?” He brushed his hand against the back of his neck and slightly shrugged. “So I’ll no longer be a stranger and you can talk to me.”

You build your whole life around another person, and you think you’ll never be alone again, but then you are. It’s the hardest feeling to deal with. Loneliness hurts. It burns in a way that feels worse than fire.”

“You’re allowed to choose yourself first.”

“You’re nothing like your father.” He frowned and cleared his throat as he looked down at the ground and crossed his arms. “I am when he’s sober.”

“You said everything wrong. Now, if you don’t mind, Grace and I were having a private conversation, and we’d like to get back to it without having busybodies like you interrupting,” Josie told her. “Well, the attitude isn’t needed,” Charlotte huffed, standing from the bench. “Yeah, well, neither were your invasive questions. Have a blessed day,”

Who names their kid Autumn when they were born in February? Seriously!

“I would’ve named my daughter Emerson.”

“Yes, and you’re happy for them, you are, but you’re also really pissed off too, right?”

“I’m so sorry,” I stated, nodding in the direction of her tattoo. “For your three hearts.” “Thank you. That means a lot to me. How many for you?” I took my next breath slowly. “Seven.”

“She’s not you. She’ll never be you, and they cannot steal your happily ever after. It’s yours, after all. Just because it didn’t come to you the way you thought it would doesn’t mean that it’s not on its way.”

I slapped him hard against the cheek, and Mama gasped.

“Finley, I swear if you do not take your hands off me, I will murder you,” I shouted,

“I need you to sleep with me,” she blurted out. “What?” “I said I need you to—” “No, I heard you.” “Then why did you say what?” “Because even though I heard you, it just seemed so damn ridiculous.” I raised an eyebrow. “Are you drunk?” “Nope, and I’m thinking straight for the first time in a while.” “And thinking straight means wanting to sleep with me?” “Yes.” I kept my eyebrow raised. “Are you drunk?” I repeated, and she began to blush. “No, Jackson. Come on, I’m serious.” I leaned against the wall and crossed my arms. “Who pissed you off?”

“Because you’re the exact opposite of good.” “I’ll take that as a compliment.” A smirked lifted the corner of her mouth. “I knew you would.”

“You’re beautiful,” he told me, and it made my skin tingle. “Do you know that, Grace? Do you know that you’re beautiful?”

“What was that?” she asked, confusion covering her face. “What was what?” “Did…” She paused, doubting her own thoughts. “Did Jackson just…smile at you?” “That was hardly a smile,” I remarked. “But he looked your way.” “It’s not a big deal,” I told her, feeling my cheeks heat. “It was just a glance.” She narrowed her eyes. “Why are you blushing then?” “I’m not.”

“Gosh, if anyone deserves to get laid by the town bad boy, it’s you.” She raised an eyebrow. “Not that it’s any of my business, but are the rumors true? About the size of his…member?”

“Sweet home Alabama, heck yeah!” she shouted, jumping up and down. “I mean, don’t get me wrong, I love my husband more than life, but I’ve seen that Jackson Emery guy shirtless, and I just imagined that a man who was that built upstairs couldn’t be that built down below.”

“Do you get embarrassed by how handsome you are?” I asked. “Don’t call me handsome.” “Aww, it makes you nervous, doesn’t it, handsome?”

“I have a ridiculous fear of letting people down.” Jackson grimaced and shrugged. “You’re gonna have to let some people down in order to find yourself.”

“No, you listen,” I howled, moving in closer to her. “You don’t come into my shop barking demands at me. You don’t tell me what to do or how to do it, all right? This is my life, and you don’t get to control it. I know you’re used to having your minions do everything you want them to do, but I’m not your show pony, all right, woman? When you tell me to jump, I don’t say how high, so how about you take your empty threats and get the hell out of my sight?”

“I wished you would’ve stayed gone all those years ago when you went to rehab,” she told me. “You should’ve prayed harder to that god of yours.”

“What are you so afraid of?” I questioned, narrowing my eyes. “Are you afraid you won’t be able to control her like you used to?”

“It kind of shocks me that you love young adult so much,” she confessed. “I just didn’t picture that as your type of read.” “What did you picture?” “I don’t know.” She shrugged her shoulders. “Horror.”

“Oh!” She cleared her throat and rocked back and forth on her heels a little. “I forgot to tell you—I learned how I like my eggs.” “Oh? And how is that?” “In cake form.”

“Oh gosh, I have no clue what she said to you, but since I know my mother, I’m guessing I owe you an apology.” “It’s fine. She’s just a bit protective of you.” She raised an eyebrow. “Did she threaten you?” “Only four or five times.”

I didn’t really think it through, I guess. I was just…I don’t know, living in the moment.” “Sometimes you have to do that.”

“The rumor is that after women sleep with you, they fix the issues in their lives, be it relationships, or job issues, or self-esteem. It’s like your sexual prowess has the ability to fix any and every problem known to mankind.” “Not all superheroes wear capes.” I smirked. “I’m just out here trying to make Chester the best town it can be, one vagina at a time.”

“He’s broken,” she continued, “but good.” The idea that broken things could still be good was a thought that would stay with me for a while.

Grace went against everything I’d been taught to believe about her. She was kind, gentle, and funny, the complete opposite of the snobby, rude, inconsiderate woman I had believed her to be.

When you are taught to hate a stranger your whole life, it’s humbling to realize you wasted energy hating something that wasn’t even real.

“We’re closed.” “What? Your sign says open,” he commented. “Yeah. Then you shoved my dog. So, we’re closed. You can fuck off and take your car elsewhere.”

“I don’t know how to open up to people.” “Well, you don’t have to open up to people, just me.”

“I could’ve fought harder to make her stay.” “No. That’s been a hard lesson for me to learn. It turns out it doesn’t matter how much you beg someone to stay. If they want to go, they are going to leave regardless. All we can do—all anyone can do is learn the art of letting go, and no matter what, it’s clear she loved you.”

“What was your father like? Before he changed?” “Happy,” I said. “That’s the only word I can think of. He had the deepest laugh, you know, the kind that would rocket through your system and make you laugh yourself, and he was so in tune with cars. He could fix pretty much any and everything. I remember being young and watching him in awe.”

“Do you think someday he’ll be okay?”

“Do you think broken hearts can be fixed?” “Yes,” I said matter-of-factly. “They just beat a little differently.”

“For a broken heart to be fixed, the person has to want to repair it. It’s kind of like a car engine—you can fix it if you take the time to work through the broken parts, but I think my dad’s gotten used to how it feels—the hurt. I think that’s where he’s most comfortable now.”

“Yeah, but he’s pretty much a kid compared to you. Plus, he sleeps with everyone in town.” “It seems that you two have something in common,”

“I don’t know how to handle people wanting to know if I’m okay. I reacted poorly, and I just wanted to apologize for the way I treated you. You deserved better.”

“Jackson, this isn’t the part where you argue with me.” “Then what part is this?” he asked. “This is the part where you let me hold you.”

“This is where we were supposed to build her art studio. I just thought it would be nice to have Tucker buried beside her.”

“I don’t know how to say goodbye,” he softly spoke, staring at the empty bowls. “Then don’t. Just say good night until tomorrow.”

“Gracelyn Mae?” “Yes?” His lips brushed against mine as his eyes slowly shut. “I’m really glad you exist.”

“They wished him dead,” I barked. “Yeah, well, that’s their karma to deal with. If you pulled out that girl’s hair, that would be your karma, but look! Now your karma is clean, and you get cotton candy. I call that a win-win.”