Emotional Blackmail: When the People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation, and Guilt to Manipulate You

by Susan Forward

What is enough?

what we’re asking of the blackmailer is absolutely reasonable: we want the other person to stop manipulating us.

But the consequences of not standing up for yourself are worse because you will split in two.

Your core will become as thin as a leaf.

But what keeps some of us vulnerable to blackmail is the way we “favor” our injuries. We sabotage ourselves by giving in to blackmail to avoid uncomfortable feelings rather than learning to manage them.

Dealing effectively with fear involves training ourselves to put aside our obsessive worst-case scenarios and develop positive options.

Fear of Disapproval

we allow other people’s approval or disapproval to define us, we set ourselves up to believe that there is something fundamentally wrong with us whenever we incur displeasure.

Freeing yourself from the fear of disapproval involves knowing which values and judgments belong to you and which have been imposed from the outside. It means knowing what you value about yourself and then having the courage to stand up to disapproval and hold on to your own beliefs and desires.

Fear of Anger

What are you afraid of? What’s the worst thing that could happen?

What’s your fantasy of what could happen?

The first thing you need to do with a yeller is to choose a calm moment

put them on

notice. Say to that person: “I’m not willing to be yelled at, and the next time you yell at me I’m go...

replaying a recent incident when you gave in to someone because you were afraid.

Close your eyes. Rerun the words they said, listen to what you said, and conjure up the memories—the anxiety, the pounding heart, the weak knees, the catastrophic images that ran through your mind as you imagined their anger getting loose and coming at you. Now play the scene again, but this time, when you see the other person’s anger rising, rewrite the scene. Firmly and clearly say, “No. I’m not giving in! Stop pressuring me!” Repeat these phrases until they’re convincing—most people start out very tentatively. Listen to how the words sound, and feel how much stronger you are.

you’ll realize that the person you have seen as powerful and in charge is really something of an emotional coward—that’s what bullying is all about.

set aside some time to focus on your negative thoughts of abandonment.

You have to set a timer for five minutes and confine your negative thinking to that period only.

You only need to do this once a day.

When your five minutes are up, tell your thoughts, as you would any unwelcome guest,...

Reduce the time period each day until by the fifth day you’re down to one minute.

Feelings are triggered by thoughts, no matter how fleeting.

Sit down, close your eyes, and take four or five deep breaths. Now remember one of the best days of your life.

Let yourself fully experience that day until the memories calm you. Remember that you can always use this visualization as a way of bringing light to the black hole.

Start by making a list of what the other person expects from you.

Now, rewrite each statement by preceding it with the phrase “WHERE IS IT WRITTEN” in capital letters.

They exist only in the belief system that is seared into your mind about how you are supposed to be in the world.

asked her to conjure up a figure that would have the power to let her out of obligation jail, a figure that she could play in a scene with herself.

I told Allen that by answering a few questions he would quickly be able to evaluate if his guilt was appropriate or excessive for the situation. I asked him: Is what you did or want to do malicious? Is what you did or want to do cruel? Is what you did or want to do abusive? Is what you did or want to do insulting, belittling or demeaning? Is what you did or want to do truly harmful to the other person’s well-being?

if, like Allen, you’re doing something healthy for yourself and not trying to harm or diminish another person, then your guilt is undeserved and needs to be confronted.

Often we cloak our blackmailers in a mantle of wisdom. They know us better than we know ourselves, we believe, and when they define us in negative ways, we’re often quick to buy into these definitions of ourselves, especially if they resonate with what others have told us in the past.

To help Leigh separate fact from fiction, I had her take her list and opposite each item write the phrase “OPINION, NOT FACT!” in capital letters.

Find a small box with a lid, like a shoe box. Make it your Guilt Box. Every day for a week jot down the guilt-inducing statements or names that someone uses to pressure you and that you know are unfair and manipulative. Write each one down on a separate piece of paper and put it in the box. At the end of the week, wrap the box as if you were going to mail it, put the return address of the guilt-peddler(s) on the upper left-hand corner and your own name and address in the center. In large letters, preferably red, write “RETURN TO SENDER” across the front. Then, with as much ceremony as you like, dispose of the box in a way that feels good to you.

When the unconscious is resisting healthy change, I’ve found that it’s effective to reach it through metaphors and stories instead of traditional talk therapy.

Putting the story in the third person gave Jan some needed emotional distance,

encourage you to write your own fairy tale to gain a deeper perspective about a relationship that’s making you feel guilty.

But turn around for a moment and look down to the place you started. You’ll see how far you’ve come.

Once you stop waiting for other people to change and start working on your own behavior, miracles really can happen.