More on this book
Community
Kindle Notes & Highlights
You haven’t done anything but put the blackmailer on your timetable—hardly the drastic step the blackmailer will probably say it is.
Tell the discomfort just how you feel about it and ask it questions.
You can speak to an object or, if you’d prefer, write a letter to your discomfort and a letter from your discomfort to you. Some people like to type a dialogue, first speaking to the discomfort, then asking questions of it and letting discomfort answer.
The point of the exercise is to externalize the discomfort, look at it and begin to develop ways of handling it that go beyond running the other way. When you face discomfort, you’ll find that it’s smaller, less menacing and far less threatening than it felt when you tried so hard to avoid it.
when you find yourself in the middle of a conflict between two other people, or when a third party is using emotional blackmail on you to benefit someone else. The action you need to take: Get out of the way.
Just keep answering that you haven’t made a decision, repeat that it’ll take as long as it takes to decide—and then change the subject.
Buying time gives you a chance to experience your own thoughts, your own priorities and your own feelings.
if after using these statements you still feel so anxious and pressured that you’re tempted to do something to alleviate your discomfort, walk away.
excusing yourself and going to another room where you can be quiet for a few minutes.
Taking a few minutes to quiet yourself will do that for you. Calm yourself, repeat “I can stand it,” and resolve to buy yourself time.
Once you’ve detached yourself from the blackmail drama, you’re in a position to gather the information that will help you decide how to respond to the blackmailer.
Envision a glass elevator on the ground floor of a 50-story observation tower. I’d like you to picture yourself inside the elevator as the car slowly starts to move up. As you look out on the lower floors, it’s difficult to see anything because of a swirling ground fog. Occasionally the fog breaks and you can make out the outlines of objects and people, but they’re vague and fuzzy, appearing and disappearing. This is the realm of pure emotions, the gut feelings that blackmailers churn up in us. The elevator car keeps moving up, and as it does, you leave the fog behind and begin to see a wider
...more
What did the other person want? How was the request made? For example, was it posed lovingly, threateningly, impatiently? Use any description that applies to your situation.
What did the blackmailer do when you didn’t agree immediately? Here, you’ll want to take into account facial expressions, tone of voice, body language. Be as specific as you can. What were the blackmailer’s eyes doing? Where were their arms and hands? Where did they stand while speaking to you? What gestures did they use? What tone of voice? What was the overall emotional tone? Put into words the picture you’ve taken in. Here are notes that
1. WHAT ARE YOU THINKING?
It’s OK to give a lot more than I get. If I love someone, I’m responsible for their happiness. Good, loving people are supposed to make the other person happy. If I do what I really want to do, the other person will see me as selfish. Getting rejected is the worst thing that could happen to me. If no one else will fix the problem, it’s up to me. I never win with this person. The other person is smarter or stronger than I am. It won’t kill me to do this, because they really need me. Their needs and feelings are more important than mine.
Ask yourself: Where did I learn this, and how long have I believed it?
Feelings aren’t the ephemeral, independent forces we often think they are. They’re a response to what we think.
every anxious, sad, fearful or guilty feeling we have in response to emotional blackmail is preceded by a negative or erroneous belief about our own adequacy, lovability and responsibility to others.
2. HOW ARE YOU FEELING?
As you look at your list, identify where you feel these feelings physically.
WHAT ARE YOUR FLASHPOINTS?
Observe yourself, and think over past instances of blackmail. Then list the behaviors that get to you the most.
Then connect the behavior to your feelings: When the blackmailer does __________, I feel __________________.
Isn’t it interesting that . . . I’m beginning to notice that . . . I never realized that . . . I’m becoming aware that . .
I’d like you to go back to the other person’s demand and answer some questions about it. Write the answers down, and as you do, don’t censor yourself, and don’t feel that you’re permanently bound to what you put on the page. If you change your mind or have new insights, go back and add, erase or enlarge upon your original response.
Is something in this demand making me uncomfortable? What is it? What part of the demand is OK for me, and what part is not? Is what the other person wants going to hurt me? Is what the other person wants going to hurt anyone else? Does the other person’s request take into consideration my wants and feelings? Is something in the demand or the way it was presented to me making me feel afraid, obligated or guilty? What is it? What’s in it for me?
that most demands fall into one of three categories: The demand is no big deal. The demand involves important issues, and your integrity is on the line. The demand involves a major life issue, and/or giving in would be harmful to you or others.
NO BIG DEAL
many targets of emotional blackmail tend, like Leigh, to underreact.
Is a pattern developing here? Do I seem to be in the habit of saying “It’s no big deal,” “No problem,” “I don’t have a preference” or “I don’t care”? If it were entirely up to me, what would I do? Is my body telling me something different from what my mind is telling me? (For example, you’re thinking: It’s only a movie, so even though I don’t feel like it, I’ll go—but you notice that your stomach is pumping more acid than usual.)
Give yourself permission to say “I don’t want to” or “I don’t feel like it” without feeling that you have to give elaborate explanations. Don’t question your
right to say no to something that seems relatively unimportant.
Conscious compliance is a good choice when: • You examine the demand and find that it has no negative impacts.
You examine the demand and find that it will have no negative impact as long as it involves an even trade with the blackmailer.
You examine the demand and find that you can say yes willingly, and without harm to yourself or others, but only to parts of it.
You examine the demand and decide to say yes for a time—and you label your compliance as strategy. You know why you are saying yes, and you develop a plan for changing the parts of the situation that are not acceptable to you.
YES—WITH CONDITIONS
When you become clear about your decision before you respond to the blackmailer,
you can find compromises that quite frequently satisfy you both.
Am I taking a stand for what I believe in? Am I letting fear run my life? Am I confronting people who have injured me? Am I defining who I am rather then being defined by other people? Am I keeping the promises I’ve made to myself? Am I protecting my physical and emotional health? Am I betraying anyone? Am I telling the truth?
But money is never just money among intimates. It’s a powerful symbol of love, trust, competence, who wins and who
loses.
The cost to her integrity would be much higher than a thousand dollars.
One particularly effective way to vent volatile emotions is to put an empty chair in front of you and picture the other person sitting in it. (A photograph of the person can help you do this.) Say aloud what you’ve been thinking and feeling for so long. Verbalizing your anger outside the presence of the blackmailer will release bottled-up energy and build your connection to clarity.
in laying out what we want in a relationship, we’re not trying to control the situation. We’re really saying “This is what would make the relationship more fulfilling to me.”
Writing a letter to a blackmailer, especially when the situation between you has markedly deteriorated, is a safe way to express yourself.
relabel your behavior
strategy
compl...
This highlight has been truncated due to consecutive passage length restrictions.
