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“If I’m not getting approval, I’ve done something wrong.”
“If I’m not getting approval there’s something...
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it’s common for us to reenact scenes from our childhood
to make sure they come out right, now that we have the power to fix them.
The joy of “helping” often blinds us to the fact that so much pity-evoking behavior is manipulative: Give the sufferers what they want and voilà! they’re cured.
In the face of criticism from someone else, we may disagree at first, then come to believe that our sensors and gauges are faulty. How can we be right if someone important to us says we’re wrong?
Maybe we’re just deluded. We know what we see and experience, but we don’t trust it, and frequently we discount the truth of our own ideas, feelings
and insights, letting others define how...
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lacking confidence in ourselves, we let them have their way, never questioning their demands or their version of reality.
When faced with a blackmailer’s pressure, do you: Apologize
“Reason” Argue Cry Plead Change or cancel important plans or appointments Give in and hope it’s the last time Surrender
Emotional blackmail may not be life-threatening, but it robs us of one of our most precious possessions—our integrity. Integrity is that place inside where our values and our moral compass reside, clarifying what’s right and wrong for us.
Blackmailers shout down our inner guidance by creating confusion and uproar, and as they do, we seem to lose contact with the knowing parts of ourselves, only to kick ourselves when we realize we’ve given in again.
Under pressure, we do something that doesn’t fit with our sense of who we are. In shock and disbelief, we realize what we’ve done and begin to believe that we are actually as deficient as blackmailers make us out to be. Then, having lost our self-respect, we’re even more vulnerable to emotional blackmail because now we’re especially desperate for the approval of our blackmailers—which would prove that we’re really not so bad.
we can never entirely silence that inner voice that always tells us the truth.
we often let it murmur just outside our consciousness, not stopping long enough to listen. But when we pay attention to it, it leads us toward wisdom, health and clarity.
That voice is the guardian of ou...
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some of the
most important promises we make are to ourselves.
One of the most serious effects of emotional blackmail is the way it narrows our world. We often give up people and activities we love in order to please our blackmailers,
you are giving up an important part of yourself and diminishing your wholeness.
Emotional blackmail leaves us full of unexpressed smouldering feelings.
Most blackmail targets tend to stuff these feelings, only to have them surface in all kinds of distressing forms: depression, anxiety, overeating, headaches—an entire spectrum of physical and emotional manifestations
When emotional blackmail is as oppressive and omnipresent as it was for Eve, it creates emotions of such intensity that we do sometimes believe we are “going crazy.”
When safety and intimacy are gone from a relationship, we get used to acting. We pretend that we’re happy when we’re not and say that everything is fine when it isn’t.
The good news is that if you’re willing to take action now and let your feelings of confidence and competence catch up with you, you can end emotional blackmail.
You have to interrupt the ritualistic pattern of resistance,
and determination. In the past, you have behaved in automatic, predictable ways when faced with emotional blackmail. You’ve argued, tried to explain your position, offered up some active or passive resistance and ultimately given in.
Every day for the next week, I’d like you to set aside some private time to work with three very simple tools: a contract, a power statement and a set of self-affirming phrases. You’ll need as little as 15 minutes a day. I’d like you to take the phone off the hook, remove yourself from interruptions and focus on you.
The first thing I’d like you to do is sign a contract that lists a number of promises I’d like you to make to yourself—ground
You may also want to write it on the first page of a notebook you devote specifically to the exercises I’ll be teaching you.
please read it aloud to yourself every day this week.
Second, I’d like you to learn and practice saying a power statement, one short sentence that you can use to keep yourself grounded when blackmailers turn up the pressure. Power statement: I CAN STAND IT.
to
trap that undermines blackmail targets. We’ve made “I can’t stand it” our mantra, and in effect, we’ve brainwashed
For this week, every time you think about taking steps to eliminate blackmail and start to get frightened, upset or discouraged, stop and repeat this statement to yourself. Breathe deeply, exhale completely and say, “I can stand it.” Do this at least 10 times.
want to write or repeat a statement that expresses this vision—“I stand up to emotional blackmail and feel strong, confident, proud and elated.”
SOS: Stop. Observe. Strategize.
STEP ONE: STOP
first thing any target of emotional blackmail has to do is nothing.
give yourself time to think—away
don’t have an answer for you right now. I need some time to think. This is too important to decide quickly. Let me think about it. I’m not willing to make a decision right now. I’m not sure how I feel about what you’re asking. Let’s discuss this a little later.
Use time-buying statements as soon as a demand is made, and continue to repeat them if the blackmailer pressures you to make an immediate decision.
A lot of the blackmailer’s pressure comes from the idea that there’s no time to lose.
We get caught up in that drama and don’t bother to question whether it’s real.
Maybe the blackmailer does have an important deadline—but it’s not your deadline.
the power of repetition is generally enough to deliver the message that you’re serious.
Just by saying “I need time,” you’ve shifted the balance of power in the relationship and put the blackmailer in the position of waiting
mentally repeat “I can stand it.”
This is not a power struggle. This is not about my trying to control you. This is about my needing more time to give thought to what you want.
