Emotional Blackmail: When the People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation, and Guilt to Manipulate You

by Susan Forward

Emotional blackmail

powerful form of manipulation in which people close to us threaten, either directly or indirectly, to punish us if we don’t do what they want.

FOG

is a shorthand way of referring to Fear, Obligation and Guilt, the tools of the blackmailer’s trade.

Our compliance rewards the blackmailer, and every time we reward someone for a particular action, whether we realize it or not, we’re letting them know in the strongest possible terms that they can do it again.

The blackmailer’s comments and behavior keep us feeling off-balance, ashamed and guilt-ridden. We know we need to change the situation, and we repeatedly vow that we will, only to find ourselves outwitted or outmaneuvered or ambushed again. We begin to doubt our ability to keep promises to ourselves, and we lose confidence in our own effectiveness. Our sense of self-worth erodes. Perhaps worst of all, every time we capitulate to emotional blackmail, we lose contact with our integrity, the inner compass that helps us determine what our values and behavior should be.

emotional blackmail is far more subtle and occurs in the context of a relationship where much is good and positive.

1: A demand.

2: Resistance.

3: Pressure.

4: Threats.

5: Compliance.

6: Repetition.

Manipulation becomes emotional blackmail when it is used repeatedly to coerce us into complying with the blackmailer’s demands, at the expense of our own wishes and well-being.

Appropriate limit-setting isn’t about coercion, pressure or repeatedly characterizing the other person as flawed. It’s a statement of what kind of behavior we will and won’t allow into our lives.

Her threat was clear and constant: “If I don’t get what I want, I will make you miserable.”

If people genuinely want to resolve a conflict with you in a fair and caring way, they will:

Talk openly about the conflict with you Find out about your feelings and concerns Find out why you are resisting what they want Accept responsibility for their part of the conflict

If someone’s primary goal is to win, he or she will: Try to control you

Ignore your protests Insist that his or her character and motives are superior to yours Avoid taking any responsibility for the problems between you

Often when needy, dependent people get into relationships, they panic when their partner wants to enjoy activities apart from them.

Punishers,

let us know exactly what they want—and the consequences

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Self-puni...

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Suff...

blamers and guilt-peddlers who often make us figure o...

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THE PUNISHER

most obvious.

immediate anger.

direct threats—I

Active Punishers

can make our lives miserable,

threaten to disapprove of us, let others know how terrible we are or take away something that is important to us.

People trying to deal with punishers are always between a rock and a hard

place.

As we maneuver to avoid the wrath of punishers and the aggressive way they manipulate us, we may find ourselves doing things that amaze us—lying, keeping secrets, sneaking around—to maintain the illusion of obeying them.

Behaving as though we’re still rebellious teenagers, and violating our own standards, adds to what may already be a significant load of self-reproach born out of the failure to stand up to the blackmailer.

Of course, these sufferers let us know that if they don’t get a break—that is, if we don’t give it to them—they’ll fail. And

FOG

fear, obligation and guilt,

There’s little thinking on our part, only reacting, and that’s the key to effective emotional blackmail.

most blackmailers create FOG without any conscious design.