I Am More Than My Nightmares

by Jennae Cecelia

I see myself as scribbles on pages longing to be even lines.

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I always have the fear of my arms not being long enough to protect everyone that I love.

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My mind is anxious, but my soul longs for peace.

I am not guaranteed to get old enough to see my face wrinkle and my hair gray. But I am guaranteed right now, this moment. I will not live my life betting on the next day. I won’t. I will live for today.

All I want is to run freely amongst the wildflowers and the trees. I am tired of running from my anxiety.

My anxious mind takes no vacation.

Even in dark times there is opportunity for beauty to rise, like a lotus from the mud.

Treat people like you would treat your garden. Care for them. Be kind to them. Nourish them. Be forgiving if they don’t grow the way you would have liked. Everyone is trying their best to grow through all the seasons of their life.

I am just trying to be the woman my fifteen-year-old self would have admired.

Although it seems long and tiring, one day you will look back and realize all the growth you made on your hike.

I now stop and greet my reflection instead of looking past the girl in the mirror. All she ever wanted was her own love.

I just need your hand to say I will be here, fearlessly and forever yours.

Does the earth have anxiety too, that maybe one day she won’t rotate like she used to? Or that her valleys and rivers won’t be cared for?

I am longing for a safe place to grow.

Don’t worry about the rivers you have yet to cross. Your body will support you, your wisdom will guide you, and your soul will be there to hold your hand if you ever start to sway.

Forgive yourself, please. Forgive yourself, please.

You can appreciate the flowers in someone else’s garden, while still watering your own.

I won’t let fear drown me.