A Wish For Us

by Tillie Cole

Bonnie, As I write this, I’m looking at the lake we love so much. Have you ever realized how blue it is in the sun? How peaceful? I don’t think I’ve ever looked at the Earth much and saw its beauty. I’m writing this as you lie in your hospital bed. Papa has just called to let me know that you don’t have long left. I don’t know if you will ever get this letter. I don’t know if you’ll make it. And if that’s the case, then I’m sure we’re together somewhere, somewhere that isn’t this world. Somewhere better. Somewhere where there’s no pain. But if by some miracle you get a heart at the last minute, then I wanted to write you this note. And I wanted you to know why I just couldn’t do it anymore. I want you to know that it wasn’t because of you. I know you’ve blamed yourself for so many years, but none of this has ever been about you. I want to explain how I feel, but I’m not you. I don’t have a way with words like you. I never lit up a room like you did. Instead, I always felt like I was on the outside looking in. Looking at everyone else happy and excited for life. But for me, it was the opposite. I found life hard, Bonnie. Every day, when I took a breath, I felt like I was breathing in tar. Every step I took was like

walking in quicksand. I had to keep moving or I would be pulled under. I fought it. But the truth was, I wanted to sink. I wanted to close my eyes and disappear and stop the fight. The fight to want to live, when for as long as I could remember, all I’ve wanted is to let go. When you got sick, it only made me realize the truth—that I just wanted to go. I wanted to fall asleep and never wake up. Because, Bonnie, what is a world if you aren’t in it? And if you got your heart, if someone saved your life by giving you what they could no longer use, then know that I’m happy. You might be angry at me. In fact, I know you are. You’re my twin. I feel what you feel. But I can’t do it anymore. Even as I sit here now, knowing I have only minutes left, I want to go. I’ve lost the fight to be here anymore. And I refuse to say goodbye to you, Bonnie. I want to leave it this way. With me at our favorite place, knowing that I’ll see you again soon. After you’ve lived for us

both. Lived a life I never could. Some of us just weren’t meant for this world, Bonnie. And I’m one of them. I know you’ll mourn me, and if you survive, I’ll miss you every day until I see you again. Because I will see you again, Bonnie. Look up, and I’ll always be there with you. But I have to go now. Keep strong, sis. Live a life that you love. And whe...