Yes, You Are Trans Enough: My Transition from Self-Loathing to Self-Love

by Mia Violet

from the outside we looked like a stereotypical heteronormative nuclear family. Later I ruined this image and queered everything to pieces,

Instead, more and more, I was branded as a weird and broken boy. This is one of the biggest issues when it comes to trans children as a whole – very rarely does anybody consider that we could be trans, unless we blatantly spell it out, or our parents are armed with foreknowledge of the trans community.

If you don’t know that being trans is even a concept, you’re unlikely to realise there’s a valid reason why you don’t fit in – you just assume the problem is you. All you know is there’s a standard and you’re failing to hit it.

Although the tomboy label does give girls some leeway, there’s no equivalent term for boys that’s not intended to be derogatory.

When you realise what we’re essentially doing as a society is placing lifelong loaded expectations on children based on nothing but genitals, it seems quite ridiculous.

Making people laugh is a good way to get people to like you when you know they’d recoil from the disturbing things you really want to say about yourself.

Trans people are often impeccable actors. When we’re closeted, we learn how we’re supposed to move and talk, the difference between the expectation of us and the reality. We then force ourselves to adopt an expected persona like a snug costume. Being the funny person is an easy part to play when you hate yourself, because it feels like your whole life is a joke written by somebody else. Some of the best laughs I got came from deadpan deliveries of the truth. Absurd self-deprecating punchlines are sometimes just a way to hide the fact you don’t know how to ask for help.

The reason to transition is to be yourself, to find happiness in the freedom to be open and honest. That can happen at any age, and it’s never too late.

A common effect of dysphoria is that it places a cap on your emotions and tricks you into confusing contentedness for happiness. It tells you that being numb and dissatisfied with everything is the normal way to be.

Dysphoria also twists what you hear and perceive from other people, seeing slights and prickly condescension where no ill-intent exists.

I couldn’t be a girl because I simply wasn’t trans enough.

My nails were still highlighted, shiny and black. I felt peaceful. The familiar pressure that had been stalking me for years wasn’t as distracting as usual. Although I didn’t realise it, this was my taste of what it was like to beat back dysphoria. In trans circles this feeling is sometimes called gender euphoria.

Despite how it may seem from an outside perspective, transition doesn’t drastically change people. Generally we become more of ourselves, more open, more honest, happier and calmer.

I’d never been longing to become a girl, I’d been struggling with pretending to be a boy.

By choosing to transition, you need to be prepared to ignore anybody who says you’re doing it wrong, or not going fast or slow enough. Each trans person is an authority on their own gender and transition but not anybody else’s.

I believe that pop culture has the power to open minds and force people to re-examine their own prejudices.

If a trans person is coming out to you, chances are they’ve already spent countless hours stewing about whether to go through with it and if they can avoid having this conversation with you.

I don’t think I have to point it out, but it’s a fairly horrible thing to do to tell any person that they have to hide themselves to preserve the ignorant bliss of their family.

Now that I had successfully moved away, the only thing that was stopping me from pursuing HRT was the knowledge that it would sterilise me. It’s something the media often overlook, but when trans people take HRT it can severely affect fertility, depending on what gender you are and what dose you take.

For trans women, wiping out testosterone and raising oestrogen will render us infertile, first temporarily and eventually permanently.

Although sterilisation is an extreme example, it’s common for medical practitioners and government bodies to require trans people to complete certain needless processes before we’re given the recognition we need.

Although it might be a surprise to some, there is no medication specifically created for transgender people. None whatsoever. Instead, all trans people who transition take medication devised for other purposes. This means we end up taking tablets for blood pressure or even prostate issues, specifically so we can access their ‘side-effects’.

After I’d grown up struggling to make friends, always feeling like the shy and awkward kid, I had found that transition was turning me into someone sociable and outgoing.

Concurrently, presenting ourselves in a manner that finally feels authentic can often amplify our confidence. This makes it far easier to form new bonds, or repair old ones, than ever before.

I’ve said a few times over the last couple of years that I believe trans liberation means an end to ‘passing’, something that has received mixed responses from friends. But to clarify, I don’t mean that no trans person should ever strive to be, or take joy from, looking like they’re cisgender, I just mean that they shouldn’t have to. If we can reach a place where nobody’s gender is assumed based on a best fit guess, then it would do wonders for trans people.

The way that trans women in particular face scrutiny for their femininity is tied into the sexist beliefs that masculinity is inherently superior to femininity.

Denying trans people the ability to take control of their own care, and treating us as passive and confused children in need of careful examination, further clogs the growing waiting lists as each person takes an unnecessarily convoluted journey through the system.

The good thing about being friends with a band of queer people who also have fragile and varied complicated states of mental health is that they all understand when you need to cancel plans last minute. In a group like that, most of us have been there at some point.

Self-help books are criticised unfairly: perhaps it’s the narcissistic nature of wanting to spend time entirely on yourself, or maybe it’s the societal demonisation of emotional reflection as feminine and inane.

Finding happiness didn’t mean actively ignoring what was happening in the world, it meant understanding boundaries, realistic limitations, and the importance of looking after yourself.

Other ‘sensible’ things I cried about after changing my dose included not feeling pretty enough one morning, feeling sorry for all the dogs in the world that didn’t have owners, and remembering how good the ending to Mad Men was.

GIRES – resources and e-learning for professionals who wish to improve their knowledge on transgender issues and how to support trans people: https://www.gires.org.uk