Yes, You Are Trans Enough: My Transition from Self-Loathing to Self-Love

by Mia Violet

I noticed my personal space had become worthless. As an adult, I’d never been touched against my will (except for the odd surprise hug from friends). It was like going around with an invisible force field on. But with transition I realised it’d been shut off. Colleagues, superiors, and strangers would touch my arm, tap my shoulder, or pat my back as a casual gesture in conversation. This gave me mixed feelings. I felt strangely validated and patronised at the same time. Elsewhere, there was less ambiguity; some strangers had no respect for my space whatsoever. When waiting for friends in a busy pub, a middle-aged man took me by the shoulders from behind and steered me out of his way, like a mannequin on wheels. It was bizarre to realise that this invisible bubble around me had gone, just from the perception of what gender I must be. Evidently, men were perceived to have valuable personal space, while women had none. The only advantage – if it can be considered that – is that suddenly everybody expected me to go ahead of them. Many times I stood awkwardly waiting for a man to hop onto a bus or into an elevator first, while he repeatedly insisted I precede him with a sweeping hand gesture and a smile. Once a middle-aged man bowed and signalled so dramatically, I wondered if he had mistaken me for a princess. After a while, I stopped waiting for men to go first and started to dart quickly ahead, if for no other reason than to avoid another stalemate of politeness.