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If all my listening, consoling, and advice had made any difference over the years, maybe it would be worth it. But Lois makes the same mistakes now that
I’ve always been described this way by people who wanted something from me. Sounds like a description of a good mule. Suddenly the guilt hit again. There I am, getting resentful again. Lord, help me “bloom where I’m planted.”
“Loving Walt Out of His Anger.” It
As long as she was quiet and agreeable, things went well. But let her preferences raise their ugly heads and she risked getting her head lopped off.
she admitted that many times she could feel nothing at all toward Walt but resentment and fear.
trying harder isn’t working.
Second, being nice out of fear isn’t working.
Third, taking responsibility for others isn’t working.
Part of taking responsibility, or ownership, is
Any confusion of responsibility and ownership in our lives is a problem of boundaries.
As we see in Sherrie’s many struggles, the inability to set appropriate boundaries at appropriate times with the appropriate people can be very destructive.
Can I set limits and still be a loving person? 2. What are legitimate boundaries? 3. What if someone is upset or hurt by my boundaries? 4. How do I answer someone who wants my time, love, energy, or money? 5. Why do I feel guilty or afraid when I consider setting boundaries? 6. How do boundaries relate to mutual submission within marriage? 7. Aren’t boundaries selfish?
THIS IS WHERE MY PROPERTY BEGINS. The owner of the property is legally responsible for what happens on his or her property. Nonowners are not responsible for the property.
If we are not shown the parameters, or are taught
Problems arise when people act as if their “boulders” are daily loads and refuse help, or as if their “daily loads” are boulders they shouldn’t have to carry.
boundaries help us keep the good in and the bad out.
The most basic boundary-setting word is no.
Sometimes a person is pressuring you to do something; other times the pressure comes from your own sense of what you “should” do.
“I don’t like it when you yell at me!” gives people a clear message about how you conduct relationships and lets them know the “rules” of your yard.
Sometimes physically removing yourself from a situation will help maintain boundaries.
Taking time off from a person or a project can be a way of regaining ownership over some out-of-control aspect of your life where boundaries need to be set.
You should not continue to set yourself up for hurt and disappointment.
Many people are too quick to trust someone in the name of forgiveness and not make sure that the other is producing “fruit
To continue to open yourself up emotionally to an abusive or addicted person without seeing true change is foolish.
your feelings are your responsibility and you must own them and see them as your problem so you can begin to find an answer to whatever issue they are pointing to.
Attitudes have to do with your orientation toward something, the stance you take toward others, God, life, work, and relationships.
We need to own our attitudes and convictions because they fall within our property line. We are the ones who feel their effect, and the only ones who can change them.
They feel that to hold people responsible for their feelings, choices, and behaviors is mean.
We need to realize that we are in control of our choices, no matter how we feel.
Making decisions based on others’ approval or on guilt breeds resentment, a product of our sinful nature. We have
trained by others on what we “should” do that we think we are being loving when we do things out of compulsion. Setting boundaries inevitably involves taking responsibility for your choices. You are the one who makes them. You are the one who must live with their consequences. And you are the one who may be keeping yourself from making the choices you could be happy with.
What we can do is set limits on our own exposure to people who are behaving poorly; we can’t change them or make them behave right.
Our talents are clearly within our boundaries and are our responsibility. Yet taking ownership of them is often frightening and always risky.
We must own our own thoughts. Many people have not taken ownership of their own thinking processes.
we should never “give our minds” over to anyone.
We must grow in knowledge and expand our minds.
We must clarify distorted thinking.
Many people do not take ownership for how they resist love.
When parents teach children that setting boundaries or saying no is bad, they are teaching them that others can do with them as they wish.
• “No.” • “I disagree.” • “I will not.” • “I choose not to.”
Stop that.” • “It hurts.” • “It’s wrong.” • “That’s bad.”
• Fear of hurting the other person’s feelings • Fear of abandonment and separateness • A wish to be totally dependent on another • Fear of someone else’s anger • Fear of punishment
Fear of being shamed • Fear of being seen as bad or selfish • Fear of being unspiritual • Fear of one’s overstrict, critical conscience
This boundary problem is called avoidance: saying no to the good. It’s the inability to ask for help, to recognize one’s own needs, to let others in. Avoidants withdraw when they are in need; they do not ask for the support of others.
We should have the freedom to enjoy safe relationships and to avoid destructive ones.
Individuals who have both boundary conflicts not only cannot refuse evil, but they are unable to receive the support they so readily offer to others.
Controllers can’t respect others’ limits. They resist taking responsibility for their own lives, so they need to control others.
“no” means maybe, and “maybe” means yes.
Less honest than the aggressive controllers, manipulators try to persuade people out of their boundaries.
Believe it or not, compliants and avoidants can also be controllers. They tend, however,
