Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life

by Henry Cloud

Part of taking responsibility, or ownership, is knowing what is our job, and what isn’t.

Problems arise when people act as if their “boulders” are daily loads and refuse help, or as if their “daily loads” are boulders they shouldn’t have to carry. The results of these two instances are either perpetual pain or irresponsibility.

To be in touch with God’s truth is to be in touch with reality, and to live in accord with that reality makes for a better life

Sometimes physically removing yourself from a situation will help maintain boundaries.

your most basic need in life is for relationship.

your feelings are your responsibility and you must own them and see them as your problem so you can begin to find an answer to whatever issue they are pointing to.

We need to realize that we are in control of our choices, no matter how we feel.

We are caught up in valuing the approval of other human beings rather than the approval of God

This boundary problem is called avoidance: saying no to the good. It’s the inability to ask for help, to recognize one’s own needs, to let others in. Avoidants withdraw when they are in need; they do not ask for the support of others.

Oh no. This is me.

When compliant avoidants need emotional support, for example, they may do a favor for a friend. They hope that by being loving, they’ll receive love.

The problem with overcontrol is this: while a major responsibility of good parents is certainly to control and protect, they must make room for their children to make mistakes.

Our true family is the family of God.

Anxious and well-meaning parents attempt to prevent their children from making painful decisions.

The basic rule in biblical recovery is that the life before God is not worth holding on to; we must lose it, grieve it, and let go so that he can give us good things.